Haunted
by Sirrocco
Summary: Doctor Liara T'Soni cannot let Commander Rachel Shepard go or be with her. Haunted by the future and the past, the two continue to be caught in circumstances they cannot control and by choices they can. They find that at its best, love heals the deepest wounds. At its worst, it causes them.
1. Not to Be

**Not to Be**

from Philip Larkin's _Aubade_

_…total emptiness forever,_  
_The sure extinction that we travel to_  
_And shall be lost in always. Not to be here,_  
_Not to be anywhere,_  
_And soon; nothing more terrible, nothing more true._

* * *

Liara sat on a carton, her attention fixed on the view out the open bay of the _SSV Shanghai_, where beyond the barrier curtain the cruiser's shuttles searched the debris fields for the _Normandy_'s remaining life pods, and for Commander Shepard. Most of the rest of Shepard's team stood and spoke in whispers nearby. Like the rest of the rescued crew, they wore expressions of shock and bore the marks of having escaped the burning ship with only what they had on or grabbed during the attack.

"It's a slim chance. Did you see the explosions? No one could have survived that."

"I can't believe it, that Shepard …"

"Shh, don't even think it. She survived Elysium, Mindoir. She could survive this. She's Shepard."

"They're still searching. How's Liara holding up? Has she said anything?"

"Not since the pod. The only thing worse than seeing the ship blown to bits was to watch her reaction. It was like she could feel it. I don't want to think about it. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget it. You're lucky you were in a different pod."

"Someone should say something to her."

"Like what? What is there to say?"

Tali broke down. Her mask muffled the sounds of her sobs. Garrus awkwardly patted her back. Sometimes he forgot she was just a kid. Wrex stood quietly by Liara. From what he'd overheard, he inferred what the others would not know about Liara's response, its true significance.

It had been four hours since the attack, and all but a few of the pods and 22 of the crew were accounted for. The pods were linked, and according to readings, only one of the remaining pods registered life signs, the command pod. It had 6 seats. It was hoped that at least one, if not both, of the _Normandy_'s commanding officers would be aboard. All rescue efforts now focused on finding it. Liara had been watching the efforts since the pod she'd been in had been rescued. Hers had been one of the last to jettison and to be picked up. Only one other had been brought on board since, and its occupants had disembarked, some needing help because of injuries. No officers had been aboard. Since she'd arrived, many of the crew had come to thank her for making sure they got off the ship, some hugging her in their gratitude and looking to her for guidance. She acknowledged them, asked how they were doing, but otherwise sat silent and still, maintaining the appearance of calm but deep attention to the activity going on outside the ship.

A few of the _Normandy_'s crew kept busy. Kaidan, as the _Normandy_'s ranking officer so far, kept track of who'd been recovered and their condition. He checked in with each, and made sure all information stayed current, coordinating with _Shanghai_ command to ensure that the _Normandy_ crew would receive toiletries and a change of clothes, adequate rations and sleeping quarters. Chakwas worked with the _Shanghai_'s medical team, trying to prevent further casualties. Some of the healthy among the _Normandy _crew helped wherever they saw the opportunity, while others huddled in small groups, comforting one another and sharing what they knew about who had made it and who had not, and what they had been doing when the attack came and how they had escaped. There were more than a few tearful reunions as people found each other on the deck. Others waited, their hopes pinned on the last pod.

The crew of the _Shanghai_ had only limited experience with aliens, having only recently been assigned outside the Sol system. The aliens now on board caused a stir secondary only to the destruction of the _Normandy_ and possibly of its famous Spectre. Shepard's team was well known from the vids, though not met with approval among the more anthropocentric. Many did not bother to keep their voices low as they walked past where Liara sat.

"The turians killed my grandfather. I never thought I'd be on the same ship as one and not shoot it."

"Why did Commander Shepard have them on her team? Was it political? The blue one is from the top council race. The turians are on the council too. But why that big ugly reptile one? That one in the suit could almost be human, until you see her hands and feet. That freaks me out."

"I think it was symbolic, to show we're ready to live in the larger world space travel opened up. Some of us, anyway."

"They're supposed to allies, but they left our colonies to fend for themselves when the geth attacked."

"Didn't you see the vids where they received medals with Shepard? Show some respect."

"The crew says the asari helped save nearly everyone onboard, except for Shepard. The brass will probably give her a medal, unless the Commander is dead. Why do you think she didn't…?"

"Maybe it was revenge. I heard she was one of the enemy leader's daughters the Commander captured."

"Hey, they found it! I can't wait to tell folks back home that I helped save the first human Spectre, after she saved the Citadel. Do you think she'll let me shake her hand?"

As the commotion increased, Liara remained where she was, Wrex beside her. She watched Kaidan and Chakwas part the growing crowd and move to the front when the pod finally came in sight and the cruiser and shuttle maneuvered to bring it aboard. Tali stood on another of the cartons to get a better view, and the mood in the bay switched from weary and anxious to expectant. Liara closed her eyes and exhaled slowly before she reopened them. The docking clamps closed around the side of the pod and pulled it in, positioning it for ease of access, and the cry that the captain was on deck rang out. All Systems Alliance members automatically snapped to attention out of well-trained habit as the _Shanghai_'s captain the strode through the bay in his dress blues. A senior staff member ordered the crew to fall in, and ranks formed at the cry. Silence descended. The Captain gestured for Chakwas and Kaidan and another of his medical crew to join him, and stepped forward to release the pod's hatch. With the sound of decompression, the hatch swung open, and the Captain stepped inside, then Chakwas. A long moment later, the Captain and Chakwas stepped back out, supporting a limp and red-eyed Joker, who wouldn't look up as his crewmates cheered. Leaving Joker to Chakwas, who supported him as they moved slowly through the cleared path toward the elevator at the back of the bay, the Captain stepped forward and spoke briefly to Kaidan, who vigorously shook his head while everyone watched, murmurs running through the ranks as straining to see someone else emerge from the hatch brought … nothing. The Captain placed a hand on Kaidan's shoulder for a moment, then turned to the rank and file.

Without a word, he reached up to his left epaulette, undid and pulled his insignia off that shoulder. When he did, from the back of the cargo bay came a single plaintive note, one obviously recognized immediately by all the humans there. Two more notes followed, as a uniformed officer holding a twisted metal instrument to her lips blew into it, sounding slow sets of three rising notes, holding the last of each three for a long time before switching to sets of three falling notes. As the officer played, one by one, every uniformed Alliance member present reached up and removed whatever insignia or token they could on their left side as well. When the song had ended, in the ensuing silence, the Captain stepped forward. He spoke loudly and clearly as he addressed the crowd with his gruff voice. "Let the ship's logs note that on this, the 7th of November, 2183, the Systems Alliance and the galaxy has lost its truest champion and defender, the Spectre Commander Rachel Sophia Shepard." Sobs were heard among the ranks, and whispers, and the Captain stopped and waited until order returned before he continued. "We are diminished by her loss and that of the others of her crew. We will remember and honor their sacrifice through our service and the holding dear of the freedom they helped secure." He stopped, a tear sliding down his cheek. "To the _Normandy_ crew here assembled, you may count the _Shanghai_ as your home and post. We share your loss, and welcome you aboard. You are dismissed to food and quarters."

As he left, the hubbub grew. Liara didn't move. Tali sat down beside her and slipped an arm around her waist, placing her head against Liara's shoulder. Liara reached a hand up to touch the side of Tali's mask and continued to stare out into space, to where the sun glinted around the shadow of a nearby planet, until the shuttles had all returned and they had closed the bay door. By then, only Shepard's team and those of the _Shanghai_ crew assigned to clear and stow gear remained.

Kaidan came over. He sat on the other side of Liara, looking down at the floor. She reached out and took his hand. He held hers as if it would break. After awhile, he asked, "Can I help you find a place?" She closed her eyes. The weight on her chest threatened to crush her.

"Get off her," Wrex ordered, stepping in and swatting Kaidan and Tali aside. He reached down and swept Liara up in his arms and strode toward the elevator. Liara kept her eyes closed and leaned against his chest.

* * *

About an hour later, Doctor Chakwas stood outside the tiny private quarters Wrex had "arranged" for Liara. Meaning he had terrorized a young human lieutenant out of the room, placed Liara in it and taken up guard outside, growling at anyone who approached. He let the Doctor enter. "About time," he muttered.

Doctor Chakwas knelt by Liara as she sat up on the bed. She hadn't been sleeping, just curled up in a ball. Chakwas looked her over, then scanned her. Flipping the omni-tool off after a few minutes, Chakwas sat with Liara for a while before asking, "Liara, do you want to talk about it, about what happened in the escape pod?"

Liara blinked and looked down at her hands. "No," she said softly, chewing on her bottom lip.

"Is there anything I can do?" Chakwas touched the back of Liara's hand.

Liara shook her head.

"They're taking us to the Citadel, to be debriefed by High Command. There will be asari doctors and specialists there. I think it would be wise for you to see one. I would like to accompany you, as your friend as well as your physician." Chakwas sounded hoarse as she spoke, and Liara glanced over. Dark circles ringed Chakwas' eyes, and she looked old. But concern and compassion were also clearly evident.

"That is very kind, Karin, but this is not something medicine can help." Liara focused her gaze at her own lap.

"Do you know what it is?" Chakwas asked.

"Yes." Liara blinked slowly, her shoulders rounded down under the weight she felt.

"Whatever you tell me, I always hold in strictest confidence, as you know." Chakwas had mastered the art of waiting and holding a silence. She used those skills now.

"I…," Liara's voice trailed off. She looked at the opposite wall. "I had … bonded with her."

Chakwas waited a long while before asking for the clarification she needed, making sure to show her support. "You two had joined? I thought as much, and I was glad. You were good for one another. You made each other happy. But Liara, I don't understand. Why would that result in such a …" she sought for a word to adequately describe what she'd witnessed Liara go through in the pod, and found none, "… pained … response after the last explosions?"

Even knowing their intent, the words fell like daggers in Liara's heart. "No, I mean… yes, we had joined, but that's not the reason." A dark purple flush spread up her neck and her cheeks. "She…" Liara stumbled, her voice strangling to a thin whisper at the realization of what word she had to use next, "_was_ … my soul."

Chakwas gasped as she started to realize what Liara was telling her. It stunned her. A thousand questions pressed on her. The two had only known each other for less than a year. And surely Liara was too young. When had they reached such a momentous decision? Why hadn't they asked for advice or told anyone? What aftercare did having that kind of connection severed require? Tired as Chakwas was, her mind raced at the implications. Anger flared up in her toward Shepard for dying, for not getting in the pod with Jeff. In her fatigue, she expressed her anger out loud before she could catch herself. "With all the risks she knew she faced every day, how could she be so selfish?"

A dry sob wracked Liara, and she momentarily doubled over. "She wasn't." She straightened, though the weight on her heart was more than she could bear. "I was. I … pushed too deep, took so much. She didn't ... know." The last word was the hardest. Its sharp edges tore at her throat. "I didn't either … until I felt ... when she…." She couldn't say it. It was too fresh. And what she'd done, without permission, was taboo. She crumpled over in agony. For it to have happened, for her to have done it to the woman she loved, the pain wracked her, dry sobs of deep despair welling up, and this time they wouldn't stop. The knowledge of what she'd done confirmed everything she'd ever feared about herself. Confessing it made it real.

Seeing Liara in such anguish took Chakwas' breath away. She had grown quite fond of the asari during her time on the _Normandy_, and in the escape pod and now, witnessing such raw pain, she shared some small part of it because she cared. She gathered the shuddering asari to her, rocking her in her arms. However it had happened didn't matter now, it had, and Shepard wasn't here to help, so she would, as much as she could. "Oh my dear, my poor, poor dear. Oh you dear sweet one." She closed her eyes, tears welling up and spilling down her cheeks. "I know she loved you very, very much. You brought her to life, gave her new reasons to live. Knowing her stubbornness, I'm positive it wouldn't have even been possible for you to do any such thing if she hadn't wanted it."

Liara wished with all her heart that what Chakwas said was true. Centuries of doubt and regret stretched vertiginously before her with the prospect that she'd never attain any certainty about that. She'd taken and lost a bondmate, within the space of a month, and no one but Chakwas could ever know.

* * *

The next day, Kaidan stopped by. Wrex growled at him, but that didn't discourage him. Unlike most of the other humans on board, however, Kaidan wasn't afraid of him. He knew Wrex too well.

"May I come in?" he asked, knocking on the door jamb after the door slid open.

Liara nodded.

"How are you doing, Liara? Is everyone treating you alright?" Kaidan sat on the bed beside her, and she stood.

"What do you want, Kaidan?" Her clothes were crumpled, he noticed, and there were shadows under her eyes.

He rose, ran his hand through his hair. It hadn't been easy to come to see her, but he wanted her to know he cared. "I want to make sure you're ok. I know you and Shepard were close. This can't be easy for you."

The sick, kicked varren look in his eyes made her angry. If he expected her to say she was fine, or to talk about Shepard, he would wait a long time. "Is that all?"

"I thought you should know the Alliance brass has decided to break our team up. They are reassigning everyone to separate posts, except… well.." Kaidan had the grace to look uncomfortable.

"Except for 'the aliens,' " Liara said bitterly. "Which is fine. I didn't fight for the Alliance, I fought because I believed what she said. I've seen her visions and know it's true. The Reapers are coming. We have to find a way to stop them. That was our mission." Her throat tightened. "It's what she'd want us to do. We have to keep fighting. Do they know yet who attacked us?"

"Not yet, the ship was long gone by the time the _Shaghai_ arrived, and the shuttles were able to track its signature only so far, then it disappeared. They're still searching, but I don't have much hope. We just don't have as many ships since the Citadel attack, and they're stretched pretty thin." Kaidan frowned. Liara recognized the signs that indicated one of his headaches. "Look, Liara, I want to ask you—do you have a place to go? I mean I know you lost your mother and now... If you need a place, I'm sure you could stay with my parents in Vancouver. They have a nice farm. It's peaceful there, and my dad is retired military; he's lost people and would understand, give you space and quiet. We would be honored…. Look, you know what I mean right? This sounded a lot less awkward in my head."

Liara closed her eyes, the crushing weight returning. Humans never ceased to amaze her, what they were and weren't sensitive to. "Thank you, Kaidan," she managed to say. "It's very kind of you to offer." She even managed to mean it.

* * *

Tali came by that afternoon. This was the conversation Liara dreaded most. She knew the young quarian idolized Shepard. To Liara's discomfort, Tali had sometimes sought details from her as if to live vicariously in Shepard's bed. It had made their otherwise friendly relationship somewhat strained of late. Liara really hoped the quarian would have the tact to not ask for details now, but she was very young. Liara braced herself.

"So Liara…." Tali wrung her hands nervously, pulling on and twisting a finger.

"Tali." Liara strove to center herself and exude calm. "Are they treating you well?"

"Yes. Engineer Adams has arranged to take me on a tour of the engine room later. And the ship is crowded and noisy. I like that." Tali looked around the room. "How did you get private quarters?"

"I don't know," Liara answered truthfully.

"Would you like a roommate? It's probably not good for you to be alone right now." Tali looked around the room as she spoke.

There was only one narrow bed. Liara wondered if Tali expected them to share. "No, I like the silence."

"Ah … right." Tali fidgeted.

A long silence.

Liara relented. Maybe there was more going on than she knew. She should give her the benefit of the doubt. They were teammates and friends, after all. "Where have they put you and the others?"

"We're mostly sharing crew quarters, bunkbeds, co-ed."

"Is it suitable for you?"

"Well, yes."

"But?"

"Humans snore. Very loudly. And the males can be very rude."

Liara thought of Ashley, and the first few months they'd been on the ... She stopped herself there, but she doubted very much that only the males could be rude. "If you ask for private quarters, surely they could accommodate you for the short time we're on the ship."

"That's a good idea. I'll ask. Maybe Engineer Adams or Kaidan could arrange it. Some place by the engine would be nice. And ... I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"It came out sounding like I was only thinking of myself. I do worry about you being here all alone, it doesn't seem healthy, though I know you used to be alone on digs all the time, but it's been awhile, and you've gotten used to something else, and I wish I could make you feel better because she cared about you, and she's gone, and I can't believe it, and I should probably stop talking now, shouldn't I?"

"Yes." Liara struggled to say that much.

Tali took a deep breath. After a moment, she continued more slowly, "I forgot to thank you for helping me get to the pod in time. I'm beginning to lose count of all the times you've saved my life."

"We're teammates, Tali. That's what we do. You've saved my life, too. Especially on…" Liara stopped. Everything anyone said, even herself, had become a minefield.

"Noveria, I know." Tali placed a hand over the one in Liara's lap. "Liara?"

Liara just looked at her.

"Did you see her? Before, I mean."

Liara closed her eyes. "Yes."

"Where was she? Why didn't she come? I keep going over it and over it in my mind and I don't see how…. I don't understand why she didn't make it to an escape pod." Tali's voice was soft and caught in the middle. Liara heard her pain. She felt it too, and the crushing weight.

"I don't either, Tali." Liara felt like her skin was on fire, especially her eyes.

From the open doorway, Wrex spoke. "Ok, that's enough. Out."

"No, Wrex," Chakwas said quietly from where she'd joined him. "These are questions High Command will also ask, and that everyone on the _Normandy_ wants to know. Any light you can shed on the Commander's final moments, you will need to be prepared to do, Liara, for all of us and for you."

Liara opened eyes full of pain. "Don't ask me that," she whispered. "You don't know what you're asking."

"I said that's enough." Wrex gripped Chakwas' arm. "Shepard's gone. That's more than anyone needs to know. It wasn't Liara's fault. She had more reason than anyone to save her if she could, and she would have, if it were possible. So go." He gave the woman a push.

Chakwas yielded, then walked back to the doorway. "I'm sorry, Liara, I stated that poorly. What I meant is that it would be better if you talked about what you can, for your sake and for your friends'. There will be many others who know you less well and care less about you who will be asking, in official capacities, so it would be wise to share what you can first with people who know and care about you very much, like Tali. Everyone is trying to piece together what kept Shepard from getting to a pod."

"Maybe you should ask Jeff," Liara snarled. She was glad their paths had not crossed. As much as she had so many questions to ask him, she didn't trust herself to do that yet. With that flare of anger, however, she understood what Chakwas meant. People were probably feeling the same toward her, thinking she knew, or that she had delayed Shepard. And she had.

"We will." Chakwas responded softly. "But now we're asking you."

Liara looked at her in absolute misery, but nodded to show she understood. "We were together when the alarm came, and the blast." That moment remained vivid. She closed her eyes briefly, to hide the surge of feelings the memory evoked. How impossible to fathom it had been only a hours ago, less than a day.

"Sleeping?" Tali asked.

"Tali," Chakwas said sternly, watching Liara school her expression.

"She was quicker getting on her armor." Rachel had leapt out of the bed as the deck dropped sickeningly beneath them, throwing Liara to the other end of the bed. "When I had my armor on, I found her trying to launch the distress beacon, to call for help." Liara could see again the flames licking up the walls all around Shepard as she put her helmet on. "I told her I wouldn't leave her, but I did," Liara whispered, looking at no one. "She ordered me to go, to help evacuate people, and I went." She drew in a deep shuddering breath. Chakwas' eyes teared up in sympathy. "I told her that Joker was refusing to leave, and she said she'd take care of him. She told me to go, and I did. I shouldn't have left her!" Her misery overwhelmed her, and she bent over, head between her hands. Every step away from Rachel seemed the worst of betrayals. It was no comfort now that she had thought Rachel would leave with Joker. She had known long before the pod had been found that she had not. She had felt her die, afraid and alone, had felt her torn away and cease to be at all anywhere except in her mind.

"Happy now?" Wrex asked angrily.

"Oh, Liara, I don't know what to say," Tali admitted as she tentatively patted Liara on the back, completely at a loss and wondering if she would have done the same. She wanted to believe that if it had been her, things would have turned out differently. She wouldn't have left Shepard. She would have saved her. Liara hadn't even really tried. "You did what you did, and nothing can be changed now. It is what it is. I guess it just wasn't meant to be."

"GET OUT!" Liara screamed.

* * *

Liara couldn't sleep. When she bothered to measure time at all, it was by how long it had been since she'd seen Shepard. It all blurred. The company she could bear grew less and less. Wrex remained her constant guard, bringing her food and occasionally forcing her to eat. Every now and then, he'd tell a war story for her amusement, not expecting a response. She could relax around him. Somehow, he understood. Maybe also having a long lifespan made him sensitive to what she was feeling, or he had lost a bondmate too. Liara suspected it was that. Tali and Garrus would come by, or she'd see them when she'd walk the ship, but it was awkward. She didn't talk with them, not about Shepard or the good old days or what would happen next. That's all they did. To their perceptions, she was distant and cold, always out of reach. They thought they understood her grief. They'd loved Shepard too, they told her. They didn't understand; she didn't want to share Shepard anymore, and she didn't want to be distracted. Chakwas came and sat with her daily; she was the one that started Liara taking walks. They'd go across the ship together and not say anything, and Liara would relax, knowing this one human was aware of her secret and did not judge her, that this one woman understood as much as any human could. She could tell Karin had really cared about Shepard, and that she grieved, but she didn't try to lay special claim, or wrap Shepard up and take her away in words. Kaidan avoided Liara most of the time, which was good. Seeing him sad made her angry. Maybe spending so much time with Wrex explained why her temper was starting to resemble his.

The idea began to form in Liara's mind to spend no more time with short-lived species in the future, especially humans. Being surrounded by so many was overwhelming, and worse. On one walk with Chakwas she saw a familiar figure among the soldiers going the other way in the large, crowded corridor. The short dark hair, the confident stride, the way the woman moved. These Liara would know anywhere. Her heart leapt at the sight. The nightmarish week vanished like the bad dream it was. Liara took off after the woman without a word to the Doctor, picking up her pace to catch up, losing her in the crowd, pushing through. Wanting to call her name, ask her to wait, but afraid to, Liara finally caught up with her, grabbed her shoulder, spun her around, and stared expectantly into … a stranger's startled face. The woman backed away and left her frozen there, experiencing the loss anew.

The Doctor came and led her away, refusing to leave her side until she'd eaten a whole meal, or very nearly. Chakwas walked with her to her room, and injected her with something to make her sleep. It didn't help. In her dreams she searched the _Normandy_ for Shepard down one corridor after another, sometimes with the ship in flames. She sought her and never found her, devastated to find herself in Shepard's quarters, alone. Waking, it got worse. She kept thinking she saw Shepard out of the corner of her eye, she'd recognize her in some glimpse and more than once followed after someone who turned out not to be her. She saw how people were starting to look at her, with pity. The Doctor spent more and more time with her, looking worried. Liara began to avoid everyone and to keep to her room.

Before they reached the Citadel, Liara knew what she had to do. She had to find Shepard.


	2. What Never Happened

**What Never Happened**

from Mark Strand's _What It Was_

_... It was the hour which seemed to say_  
_That if you knew what time it really was, you would not_  
_Ask for anything again. It was that. It was certainly that._  
_It was also what never happened—a moment so full_  
_That when it went, as it had to, no grief was large enough_  
_To contain it._

* * *

Nothing could have prepared the surviving crew of the _Normandy _for their reception at the Citadel. News of Shepard's death had leaked, and the causeways teemed with those who, still in shock, had gathered to hear what had happened and to mourn. The Citadel had limited capacity to accommodate the influx in addition to the residents misplaced by Sovereign's attack, and tents and makeshift beds could be seen in the corridors amongst the rubble still waiting to be cleared. C-Sec officers, the Alliance military and armored species wearing the insignia of the Spectres fought to keep the crowds back. Between the glare of the news cameras and the flash of omni-tools, Liara saw individual faces as they passed. Fear, anger and pain showed in the mostly human faces, and need. Many of her people were there, as were turians and even a few krogan. Shepard had touched many lives. Liara wondered what Shepard would have thought to witness this. Had she known how much she mattered to so many? Had she even known how much she mattered to her, how much she had come to rely on her friendship and strength? She wished she could turn to her and talk to her, see her smile, or just have her there.

Somehow she had to keep it together. Tali walked beside her on her left, and Garrus on her right. Kaidan walked in front with the _Shanghai_'s captain and XO. Wrex was somewhere close behind with Chakwas and Adams and the rest. Hands reached out, trying to grab hold of them as they passed, and people shouted in many different languages. Liara felt numb. Just a few weeks ago, crowds had lined these corridors to greet them for the award ceremony after Saren and Sovereign's defeat, but the feeling couldn't be more different. This time there was no joy, no cheering, no conquering heroes. As the procession turned and headed up the stairs to the System Alliance's High Command compound, Liara froze abruptly at the sight of the larger-than-life posters hanging on either side of the gate. In the one on the left, Shepard, clad in her iconic N7 armor, stood in a wide stance with arms akimbo, looking out at the viewer, a challenging fire in her eyes and the familiar, crooked grin. Liara's breath caught in her throat. The poster read, "I WANT YOU," over Shepard's head, and "IN THE ALLIANCE MILITARY," over her legs. The curve of Earth could be seen beneath Shepard's boots. In the one on the right, Shepard, in full military regalia, saluted, the shine in her eyes and on her medals enhanced as she looked proudly off to her right. The image must have been taken at the recent ceremony. The text above her read, "BE THE BEST," and below her, "SERVE IN THE ALLIANCE MILITARY."

Chakwas grabbed Liara's elbow and pulled her along so that she didn't bring any of the procession to a halt. "If you keep your eyes on the back of the person in front of you, it may help." She squeezed Liara's elbow and then let go as the procession swept inside the gate, and it closed behind them.

As they left the crowds behind and moved into the massive building, it got much quieter. Liara could hear their footsteps echoing in the metal hallways, subdued talking and the whirr of machines from the offices they passed. Everyone looked up or stopped and watched them silently when they drew near. Liara saw several more banners with Shepard on them—one of her in her blue uniform, holding a human child on her hip and smiling at it, children smiling up at her from where they ringed her, the other with a younger Shepard leading troops in full armor, helmets on but visors up and camouflage makeup smudged on their cheeks, dirt showering around them from explosions. The messages were similar to those outside, join the military, enjoy action and fame. Be like Shepard. Liara tried to follow Chakwas' advice, but the chance to glimpse Shepard again was too tempting, despite the vise tightening around her heart. At least she knew other people could see Shepard too this time.

* * *

They were escorted through a massive set of doors and led into a large hall. Inside, they were directed down an aisle and seated in rows reserved for them. Before Liara turned down one, Chakwas pushed forward and tried to say something to her, but the guard on the side stopped her, saying no talking was allowed. Liara looked back at her, once they were seated, but couldn't interpret the woman's look. The room was laid out with three sections for seating in an arc separated by two aisles and interspersed with many columns supporting the balcony overhead. The aisles led to the room's vast center. Two massive metal tables dotted with microphones had been placed opposite a large raised semi-circular structure where members of Alliance Command sat and prepared to officiate over proceedings. Liara noticed a raised dais to the side where holographic images of the councilors stood, and an area closed off from the rest on the left where several rows of uniformed Alliance officers sat. It looked like a courtroom. Suddenly Liara understood what Chakwas had been trying to tell her. This was not a deposition session; it was an inquest. They were looking for someone to blame.

One-by-one in alphabetical order, the JAG officers summoned survivors to the stand. Adams went first, and shortly afterwards, Kaidan. Adams faced questions about what had happened to the ship during the attack and why. Kaidan had to talk about where he'd been, and what he'd been doing during the attack. He had evacuated early on, when the alarm sounded, believing the ship was breaking up. Liara's mouth grew dry as she listened to how hard they pressed him and as she saw his growing distress. They asked him why, when he had discovered the comms were down, he hadn't gone in search of his CO or XO, but had left the ship without ascertaining the status of command or the sitrep. They grilled him mercilessly and asked him to evaluate his own actions. When they finished, he was clearly upset and barely controlling it. A little while later, Chakwas testified. For two hours, the proceedings continued before everyone was given a short break, during which the survivors were kept separate and instructed not to talk with one another. Liara felt her nervousness grow. Tali, Garrus and Wrex kept close. She wondered if they were as concerned as she was.

When the proceedings resumed, Liara tried to let her mind wander elsewhere. Otherwise, it was almost impossible not to relive the attack with every recounting. After a morning of that, she was already past her breaking point. It was never far these days. When Joker was called to the stand, however, Liara felt her attention snap back to the proceedings. The big doors in back opened, and he hobbled slowly forward to the table, his right arm in a sling. Refusing the assistance of the escorting officer, Joker sat in the chair, removing his hat and attempting in vain to smooth his hair. The courtroom grew very quiet, except for one dry cough somewhere to the right.

The JAG officer stood at the short end of the table, one of his sides to the audience, the other to Command. "For the record, please state your name, rank, and id number."

"Flight lieutenant Jeff Moreau, 0766-DN-4939, sir." Joker made an effort to sit up straight in the chair for a moment before he slumped back over.

A uniformed ensign came and held a large, black book out to him. The JAG officer continued. "Please place your hand on the Bible. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God? If so, say, 'I do.'"

Joker placed his hand on the book and repeated, "I do." The ensign stepped back to her post.

"Lieutenant Moreau, could you please tell us in your own words what transpired during the November 7 attack on the _SSV Normandy SR-1_?" The JAG officer's face revealed no emotion. His voice resonated loudly.

"I was at the helm as we began our fourth day sweeping the Amada system in the Omega Nebula." Joker pulled himself forward in the chair with a squeak, placing his good arm on the table to one side of the microphone stand.

"Why were you there?"

"We had orders to hunt down geth, and ships had been disappearing there. Shepard decided we should check it out." Joker looked at the JAG officer as he spoke, keeping his face close to the microphone.

"Was Commander Shepard on duty at the time?"

"No, it was Navigator Pressley's shift."

"Please continue."

Joker faced Command. "As we came out of FTL, we picked up the signal of a ship orbiting a nearby planet. We were scanning it when it changed course to intercept us, which it shouldn't have been able to do, because our stealth drive was on."

"Could it have gotten a fix on your location as you dropped out of FTL?"

"It's hypothetically possible, but no. Even if we had blipped on their screens coming out of the jump, there shouldn't have been any way for them to track us afterward. No one we know of has that kind of technology, not even the geth."

"Could the geth have created such technology?"

"The ship didn't match any known configurations, certainly none we have for the geth." Joker looked back at the JAG officer as he spoke.

"Please answer the question. Could the geth have created such technology?" The officer stared at Joker.

Joker waved his left hand dismissively. "I guess, but I doubt it."

"A simple 'yes' or 'no' will suffice, Lieutenant." Throughout their exchange, the officer had stood at parade rest, his legs apart, his hands together behind his back.

"…Yes, _sir_." Anyone who knew Joker would recognize his sarcasm. If the officer did, he made no sign.

"You say you didn't recognize the ship. Can you describe it?"

"Yes, sir." Joker kept his expression neutral as the long pause drew out and it became apparent that he was not intending to say more without further prompting.

Liara thought she detected a trace of irritation in the officer. "Please do."

"It was a cruiser with a central propulsion drive protected by heavy rotating plates, and multiple canons. Our readings suggested life signs were concentrated toward the back of the ship, where there was a large band surrounding the whole thing." Joker gestured with his good hand as he described it from memory.

"Any details you can provide are essential."

"I didn't have long to look at it, but life signs means _not _geth." He paused, glaring at the officer until he'd made his point, then faced Command again and continued. "As soon as I heard it was tracking us, I knew it had to be hostile. I checked the readings, and started evasive maneuvers, but we were hit. It was fast. Whatever its weapons were, they cut through our shields and hull like they were nothing. The first hit took out XO Pressley, our kinetic barriers and weapons, and the next, Ensign Draven, the comms, part of the upper deck, and one of the starboard engine nacelles. The Commander must have activated the alarm to abandon ship right after." Joker sounded angry.

"Was anyone else on the bridge with you?"

"Yes, Ensign Greico was still alive, but as soon as he put out the fires, he left."

"Did you need his help to evacuate?"

"No, I needed to give all my attention to the _Normandy_, to try to keep her together, out of Alchera's gravity well, and away from our attacker." Joker's voice got louder.

"When did it become clear that you were not going to be able to save the ship?"

Joker looked down at the table and answered quietly, "When Shepard, when the Commander, told me."

"And did you evacuate when the Commander told you that?"

A long pause, and then the JAG officer spoke again.

"Do you need me to repeat the question, Lieutenant?"

"No." Jeff said even more quietly. "No, I didn't evacuate at that time."

"How long had the abandon ship alarm been on?"

"I don't know, maybe five, maybe ten minutes."

"You ignored the alarm set and a direct order from your CO?"

"No, she didn't give an order. She told me … she told me that nothing I could do could save the _Normandy_. That the ship was going down, and there was no point…." His voice trailed off.

"Take your time."

Jeff struggled to continue. "She said…." He put his head in his hand and started to cry. "It's all my fault."

"What did she say, Lieutenant?"

"She said that the ship was going down, and there was no point in going down with it!" Joker shouted. A commotion swept through the court, and one of Command struck a gavel until order was restored. Tears started in Liara's eyes.

"What happened next, Lieutenant? Did you evacuate after she told you that?"

"The other ship came around for another attack and blasted us again with its energy beams. Shepard grabbed my arm, hauled me out of my seat and dragged me to the command pod. She was right there, helping me in when the beam cut through the last part of the hull connecting the bridge to the rest of the ship. She had a grip on the inside of the pod and was using that to push me into a seat. When the beam hit, she looked back, right before the impact knocked her away from the pod. I saw her reach for it, but the floor dropped too fast, and she didn't turn in time. She missed." This is what he kept seeing in his dreams every night, Shepard's hand reaching toward him, grasping only air. His voice flattened, reliving it again. "She was sucked back and dragged against the wall." Tears ran down Liara's cheeks, and those of many of the people around her.

The courtroom was deathly quiet. Joker struggled to finish. The officer said nothing.

Joker spoke haltingly, "She caught the edge of the doorjamb with the pod control. It was the last thing between her and open space. She had it in her hand. I called to her. I thought she'd pull herself up, back to the pod, but the other ship attacked again. She hit the panel to launch and let go."

For a long time, only stifled sounds of grief were heard in the hall. Liara fought not to remember how Shepard had felt. The officer, his face drawn, spoke again.

"Was that the last time you saw Commander Shepard?"

"Don't you get it?!" Jeff practically screamed it, banging his fist on the table. "She was in the path of the pod's rockets! That's why she let go! She knew." He could still see her, fires reflecting off her visor, explosions blossoming in the cold dark, the _Normandy _tearing apart behind her, that moment before the pod's door had shut her from view.

Liara bent over. She felt like she couldn't breathe.

The officer looked pained and sympathetic for the first time. "I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I know this is difficult, but I have to ask: Did the pod's scanners track her?"

"I don't know." Jeff's tone was flat.

"Please explain."

Jeff covered his eyes with his hand. "The scanners showed a massive energy burst, as if the rest of the ship all blew up at once, then static, then … nothing."

"As the last person to see Commander Shepard alive, can you speculate about what happened?"

"I'd rather not." Jeff's voice sounded hoarse.

"Please."

Jeff closed his eyes, and after a minute, said mechanically, "The pod's thrusters would have pushed her back toward the planet. If she survived their blast and the explosions, she would have … she would have entered atmo." He bowed his head and started crying again.

Liara barely heard his words over the ringing in her ears, her hands at her throat. The memory of Shepard's consciousness being torn from her very core choking her—her mind groped along the purple jagged edges of that bright ache. She knew the truth. It had not been fire, but lack of air. It had taken only minutes for Rachel to drown in the vacuum of space.

* * *

Command had them break for lunch. Liara dimly noticed being led somewhere and long metal tables. Silence settled over the drained survivors, letting no sound escape except the clink of silverware against plates, the thud of glasses against tables. A haggard Chakwas pushed a warm cup of coffee in her hand and insisted that she drink. Then they were called back in for more.

Liara's nervousness grew. When they called her name, she felt her heart pounding. She stood and moved down the row to the aisle, her legs and arms shaking. She had to hold on to the backs of the chairs in the row in front of her to keep her balance. The officer in the aisle escorted her to the chair she'd seen the others sit in. Pulling her science uniform top down to sit on its hem, and keep it from riding up or appearing wrinkled, she took her seat.

"Please state your name, rank, and id number, for the record."

"Liara T'Soni."

The JAG officer looked at Command. "Can anyone hear what the asari's saying?" He looked back at Liara. "Could you please speak into the microphone?'

She pulled the chair in and bent close to the mic. "My name is Liara T'Soni." Her voice rang across the courtroom as they adjusted the volume.

"Ms. T'Soni, please place your hand on the book the ensign is holding in front of you."

"Doctor, it's Doctor T'Soni."

"Right." The officer took a deep breath and started again. "Doctor Liara T'Soni, do you swear before this court to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God? If so, say, 'I do.'"

Liara looked at the book the ensign held out to her, and did not touch it. "Are you asking me to swear by your God?"

The officer's mouth tightened to a line before he turned toward Command and spoke. "Let the record show that Doctor T'Soni refuses to swear the oath. How would the court like to proceed?"

"I'm not refusing. I'll tell the truth, but I won't swear an oath to a God that is not my own." Liara clasped her hands on the table. The ensign stood there awkwardly, uncertain of what to do.

"You are out of order," the officer snapped at her. "You will be silent unless you are addressed, or you will be charged with contempt of court!" He turned again to the raised semi-circle before them and in an only slightly less annoyed tone, asked, "Your honors?"

"Doctor T'Soni, the court recognizes the legitimacy of your concern, and thanks you for drawing it to our attention. You may choose your own oath, to swear by whatever you hold dear—Thessia or whatever else. Do you understand?"

Liara couldn't see the speaker because the lights shone in her eyes. "Yes, your honor, and thank you. I swear to tell the truth…" She paused, trying to remember the exact words.

"…the whole truth and nothing but the truth…," the officer prompted her.

"The whole truth and nothing but the truth…," she repeated.

"So help you …"

"…in honor of the Goddess Athame," she finished.

The officer turned back to Command. "Is the court satisfied?"

"The court has already signified that it would be satisfied by her choice. Please proceed."

"Doctor T'Soni, could you tell us in your own words the events on board the _SSV Normandy SR1 _as you recall them on the night of November 7?"

"I had retired for the evening when the attack came," she paused in anticipation of interruption, and when none came, continued. "I put on my armor, grabbed my helmet, and went in search of the Commander."

"Why?"

"I … knew she would know what to do."

"Why didn't you know what to do? Had the Commander not trained you in evacuation drills?"

"No, there hadn't been much time since I'd been on board for that kind of thing."

"By that kind of thing, do you mean training?"

"Shepard, Commander Shepard, had provided training in many things," she felt herself blushing furiously and looked down at the table. She added, "She had instructed me in the Alliance Marine's way of combat, how to drive a Mako and use its guns, but hadn't gotten to that. Most of her time and attention were spent on her mission."

"And how long had you served with the Commander?"

"Since earlier in the year during her pursuit of Saren." She thought she sensed the slightest hesitation from the officer after her response.

"So you went in search of the Commander to learn what to do. Please continue."

"As I searched for her on the crew deck, Ensign Greico stopped me and asked if I knew where she was."

"Why would the Ensign ask you that?"

"I believe the Ensign was asking everyone that. He was desperate to find her because he'd been unable to convince … Lieutenant Moreau…," the vise tightened in her chest again, "… to evacuate." Parts of the ship and sparks had rained down into the corridor as the ensign had staggered toward her and clutched her arm, bringing her up short. The blood on his face had made her all the more impatient at being delayed. Everything in her had urged her to find Rachel.

"What was the condition of the ship at this time? Lieutenant Alenko has testified that the ship seemed to be breaking up."

She could see the fires again in her mind's eye as she spoke, "The ship was going down. It shuddered sideways and rocked under each shot, and it drifted at a strange angle in between hits. Whatever weapon was being used had tremendous force. It hammered the ship relentlessly. An alarm could be heard, even over the explosions and screams. The corridors were falling apart, and there were fires and bodies everywhere. The air was thin and full of smoke. If we still had environmental controls, we clearly didn't have much breathable air left. Lieutenant Alenko was correct."

"What happened next?"

"I told the Ensign that I didn't know where the Commander was, but that I would find her and relay the message. I told him to evacuate."

"And did he?"

"I didn't see him again." She knew he hadn't been called to speak earlier, nor had she seen him in the _Shanghai_'s cargo bay.

"Go on."

"I found Shepard trying to launch the distress signal. She had it ready, but then we were hit again and the controls went down, and she started to repair them."

"Yes?" The officer's question interrupted her memory, and she realized she had stopped talking.

With difficulty, she continued. "She grabbed an extinguisher to put the fires out that would otherwise keep her from being able to repair the beacon, then threw it to me, so that I could help. I asked her if the Alliance would get to us in time, and she said they wouldn't abandon us." She looked down at the table, away from the bright lights for a moment. Her head throbbed. The officer waited silently. The courtroom, she noticed, was hushed. "I told her what the Ensign had said, that Joker was refusing to evacuate, and told her I would stay and help her."

"And by Joker you mean?"

"Lieutenant Moreau."

The officer paced in front of her. "And your testimony is that while the Commander's own officers and fellow Marines and the rest of the crew were bugging out, you offered to stay? You expect us to believe that?"

Liara shrugged. "It's the truth. You can believe what you want."

"You're asking us to believe that you were more loyal than a Marine, a member of one of the most elite branches of our military, whose very slogan is _semper fi? _You're not even human." Anger flickered in Liara's mind. Someone in Command cleared his throat. The officer checked himself, and continued on a different tack. "So you told the Commander that you'd stay and help her. Why didn't you?"

"She said she needed me to help evacuate the crew, and that she would take care of Joker." Her voice got softer. "She ordered me to go."

"And did you?"

"Yes." The pain of the admission was too great, she felt herself going numb.

"Did you see the Commander again?"

Liara bowed her head. "No." The room spun around her, and she missed most of what the officer said next.

"Many of the crew have already testified that it was thanks to you that they survived. You have their gratitude and that of the Alliance for your courage. I have only a couple more questions. What was the exact nature of your relationship with Commander Shepard?"

The mention of Shepard's name snapped Liara's attention back to what he was saying. "Excuse me?"

"What was the nature of your relationship with the Commander?"

Liara looked at him in a panic, finally managing to say, "I don't understand…."

"What was your relationship? You are not Alliance military or human, yet you were on board the Normandy. You are not Alliance military or human, yet you claim to have shown her tremendous loyalty under fire and duress."

"Yes … I mean, no … I'm not Alliance military or human. I served on board at the pleasure … at the request of the Commander." Liara turned bright purple, again. "It doesn't take being either Alliance or human to feel loyalty to her. She inspires that response in many outside of her species and outside of the human military. Isn't that partly why the Council made her a Spectre? As a Spectre, she wasn't fighting just for humans or for the Alliance, she fought for us all, my people included, and she gave me the chance to do the same."

"How had you met the Commander? How did this request come about?"

"She rescued me from the geth at the dig site I was excavating on Therum."

"And what were the geth doing there? Were they archaeologists?" Someone laughed, then stifled it.

Liara's anger grew. "They were there to capture me and take me to Saren, and Shepard prevented them."

"Why did Saren want an archaeologist?" The officer said as if it was preposterous.

"I am a Prothean expert!" Liara leaned forward, eyes intent on the officer's face. "Saren believed my knowledge of the Protheans was the key he needed to find a way to bring the Reapers back."

"The Reapers are a myth he used to manipulate people." The officer looked across the room as he spoke, not at Liara.

"They are NOT!" Liara sat up straight and glared at the officer. "As you should know since one attacked the Citadel only a month ago!"

The officer settled back into parade rest. "That was an invention of the geth."

"Are you testifying, or am I?" Liara snapped, forgetting herself. "It was Sovereign, the vanguard of the Reapers."

He paused and gave her a long look. "Quite." He started to pace in front of the table again. "Let's leave these … fairytales and get back to reality. Did you yourself have any connection to Saren, the mastermind of the recent Citadel attack you've reminded us of?"

"No."

"I would like to remind you of your oath. To fail to tell the whole truth leaves you open to the charge of perjury and to imprisonment." Angry murmurs could be heard as people shifted in their seats behind Liara. The officer was not making any friends among the survivors.

"I am telling the whole truth. I had no connection to Saren. He wanted me under his control, to use, or dead. Shepard ruined those plans and saved my life."

"And what of your mother? Did the _Commander_," the officer put a heavy emphasis on her title, "save you from that as well?"

"My mother was not a that!" Liara stood so fast, her seat fell over. She didn't pay any attention, her biotics rippling with her intense emotions as she glared at the officer. The murmurs behind her grew a little quieter with the bang of the chair against the floor.

The gavel rang out. "Order! Colonel Jacobson, you are not to treat this decorated member of Commander Shepard's team, to whom many of us and the crew here assembled owe their lives, as hostile! She has more than proven herself. Doctor T'Soni, you are not to use your biotics, or rise, until dismissed!" The gavel fell one more time.

The Ensign returned Liara's chair to an upright position, and looked at her sympathetically when Liara met her eyes. Liara sat, embarrassed by her loss of composure.

The officer had stopped pacing. "Is it not true that your mother was the Matriarch Benezia, and that she was Saren's chief ally?"

"Those are both true." Liara spoke slowly and clearly.

"Is it not true that Commander Shepard killed your mother?"

Liara had not expected the question. Her stomach twisted. She opened her mouth, but no words came out.

The officer waited. The courtroom was incredibly quiet.

"Commander Shepard…," Liara pulled her shirt's hem down and sat on it again. "May I have a glass of water?"

The officer nodded to the Ensign. Liara heard her footsteps recede down the aisle, the doors open and close. She held her hand against her forehead, giving her eyes a break from the glare. Then the door could be heard again, and the Ensign brought a pitcher and a glass and set them on her right. Liara poured the water in the glass, the sound amplified through the room by the mic, and she lifted it and drank. She carefully set the glass down. "When Commander Shepard and I confronted my mother, she was no longer herself. Sovereign had indoctrinated her, turned her into Saren's slave against her will. Commander Shepard and I tried to return my mother to herself. In the end, she left the Commander no choice. I believe the Commander set her free the only way anyone could, that it was a mercy."

As Liara had hoped, mention of Sovereign prevented the officer from pursuing that line of questioning further. Instead he asked, "How, given your ties to Saren, the Commander's avowed enemy, did you come to serve aboard the _Normandy_?"

"Commander Shepard recognized that I am not my mother, and asked me to help her fight Saren. I agreed, because I believed that it was the right thing to do." She pretended she was speaking to a child.

"As simple as that?"

Detecting the sneer behind the officer's words, Liara's eyes narrowed. "Nothing is truly simple. Even your species knows that. Shepard certainly did. Saren was and the Reapers remain a threat to all our species' existence, yet all of us do not simply fight them. My mother made her choice, and I made mine, and they were different. I believed in Shepard and in her mission, and I still do!" Her voice had risen, so she paused before finishing quietly. "You asked me my relationship with the Commander. I can't tell you all she meant to me because no words would be enough."

* * *

The day's long proceedings officially concluded after Garrus, Wrex and Tali answered questions briefly. Liara felt completely drained. She didn't know if what she'd said was good, and feared how it would be used. As the assembly rose and filed back into the aisle, Chakwas waited and walked beside her. Neither spoke. Chakwas' presence soothed her somewhat.

As they walked back through the long hallways, an officer waiting at one of the corners called, "Doctor T'Soni, may I speak with you?"

Liara looked over at Chakwas. The woman squeezed her arm, and continued on with the others. Liara watched them leave.

"Please follow me." The officer waited for Liara to turn back toward her before she started down the hallway in the opposite direction. She eventually led Liara to a relatively small office, motioned for Liara to go in, then closed the door behind her. The room was dimly lit, with bookcases in two of its corners and a large desk facing out into the room at one end, a couple of plush chairs in dark colors near it. Some swords were mounted on the walls in glass cases. A tall man stood behind the desk, his back to her. She walked toward him.

As she drew near, the man turned, and she recognized the tired and lined face of Admiral Hackett. "Doctor T'Soni, would you please sit?" He waited until she had before he also did. "I want to apologize for what the Alliance put you through today. It was unnecessarily harsh. I also want to thank you for your testimony." He paused as his ice blue eyes searched her face. "Like you, I believe in Commander Shepard and her warnings, and I believe our galaxy is in grave danger, even more so now." He leaned forward. "People are panicking, and forces are stretched thin. With Shepard gone, High Command and the Council will likely disavow the Reaper threat."

"Will they still prepare? Denying the truth for short-term gains…" Liara's voice trailed off. She was so tired.

"Could cost us everything." Hackett finished for her, nodding. "As you said, nothing is ever simple." He sighed. "Many in our highest levels of government seem to genuinely believe there is no real threat."

"Why tell me this?" He could see the deep shadows under the asari's eyes as she looked at him.

"Because you have proven yourself a formidable ally, and Shepard trusted you. She did not trust many, certainly not to the extent she did you, and I have learned to respect her judgment. I would like us to work together to finish Shepard's mission." He stood, and leaned forward, his hands on the desk. It was a pose Liara had seen Shepard adopt at the CIC. She regarded him silently, waiting for the more she knew was coming. "You will hear things about the Reapers and Shepard through official channels that will claim that what you know to be true never happened. You and I know better. I'm offering you resources, direct access and coordination. In return, I request that you continue to search for a way to stop the Reapers and to keep me informed of what you find and of any ways I can help. Shepard was right that this effort will take all species for us to have a chance, and she believed you and your expertise were essential. So do I. We may not be able to change the way the winds are blowing right now, but I believe we can still alter what will otherwise be our fate. We must, for all our sakes."


	3. To Care and Not to Care

**To Care and Not to Care**

from T.S. Eliot's _Ash Wednesday_

_Because these wings are no longer wings to fly _  
_But merely vans to beat the air _  
_The air which is now thoroughly small and dry _  
_Smaller and dryer than the will _  
_Teach us to care and not to care _  
_Teach us to sit still._

* * *

Narissa stood with her back to the others. Outside the temple's curved marble columns, the cliff face had crept nearer through the centuries since she had first stood there. In a few more, the temple would perch on its edge like a bird about to take flight. There was still plenty of time before that. The bazurita that grew up its slopes pleased her. The strong vine delayed the process, and the delicate lantern-like flowers along its length punctuated the gray and tan of the dry and crumbling soil with bright orange. As she watched, the sail-like petals puffed up with the breeze blowing in from the gentle Naropa Sea below. The flowers shimmered, the eezo pulsing through them faintly visible in the sunlight, and the wind giving it the appearance of breathing. She would take her cue from the bazurita.

"Sisters," she turned to the other four matriarchs sitting there, two of them holographically. "I share a concern for this daughter of Armali. She is powerful, yes, and will be more so. It is inevitable, given her mother's gifts. Surely, however, it would be rash to act now. It is not our way to move in haste when regret could prove so long. She has brought great honor to our people. Let us watch, and wait."

Those gathered considered her words in silence for some time before another spoke, as was their custom.

"Her instability grows. We warned her mother of the risks of taking another asari as her mate. What greater proof could we have to doubt her wisdom than in her choices and her fate? She may yet bring ruin upon us through her daughter. I have sought to discern this maiden's truth in the pools of revelation and have seen a world stained red. Their choices poison the tree of this bloodline. It is lost." Matriarch Angelith surveyed the others with glittering eyes. The eldest of them, she was almost frail and slightly bowed, though it may have been due to her heavy headdress and the earliness of the hour where she lived. "Have not your dreams told you the same, and the dance of shadows these past few years? We should prune the tree before it is too late. I fear a terrible destiny."

Again, the temple stilled under the long pause for contemplation.

"Or a great one," Iolis spoke. "In all my centuries of divination, never has a vision been clear or open to only one interpretation. Our gifts speak in symbols and signs. Even the greatest of us proved we could read them wrongly—or rightly and still do wrongly. Her daughter's actions have spoken differently than hers. Darkness surrounds her, but obscures whether it is within her. It could be that her gift surpasses her mother's already, even while so young with no one to help her. Let us seek to guide her. Let us not make her into an enemy she is not. We agree that she has power."

"And repeat her mother's mistake?" Sutarna gestured to the projection in the center of the room. "You see the footage Tevos sent. She threatens a whole assembly of humans at mere words about her mother. The humans' power grows, and they have already proven to be shapers. If she had the gift, she would not act so impulsively. She threatens Thessia's security with this, and with her words about the Reapers. If people listen, she could provoke massive instability more certain and more dangerous than the distant and unproven threat of which she warns. Even should this threat prove true, such instability would leave us poorly equipped to face it. We would be completely vulnerable. I agree with Angelith. We must not risk giving her the chance."

"Send a matron to seduce her and influence her. The young are easily led, easily distracted. Their needs are pleasurable to direct." Terilene made no effort to hide that she found the asari in the projection attractive, true to her reputation for favoring the young. "This does not need to be violent, or complicated. Capture her heart or create her desires, and you can lead her like a nardak by the ring in its nose."

Narissa assumed Terilene knew only too well the truth of what she spoke, and what she suggested stirred her anger. "She is T'Soni. She will not be easily captured or led, as you should know, nor do I approve of the manipulation you intend."

Terilene laughed. "So tenderhearted. Does the sun always shine in Armali, to make you all so soft? It is better than execution. Send me. I would be gentle, to a point. Unless to achieve your agreement, you would prefer that we send you? Wasn't Benezia your mentor?" She paused, lowering her chin and her voice. "Or maybe we should only consider the opinions of those who have never moved in Benezia's mind."

"Still so bitter over the dead?" Angelith cackled. "You will have to stop holding that against Benezia eventually, Terilene." A grin spread across her slightly wrinkled face at the other matriarch's glare. "Calm yourself, I have not visited your destiny in the pools. It took no dreams to see it; even for one as far removed from caring about those pleasures as I am now. Someday perhaps you will share the matriarch's name who shaped your desires as they are?" Her expression became serious. "I might consider this compromise, though it carries many risks. If we follow this course, we would be wise to send a matriarch, given the likely strength of the maiden's mind. This would meet many of our concerns. A matriarch could soothe her for her mother's loss as well as fill the role of guide."

"I fear the danger is too great." Sutarna approached the image in the center of the room, and zoomed in on the back of Liara's head, where the glare of the courtroom lights had touched it.

Narissa gasped. "Surely that's not possible! It must be a reflection of something else in the room!" The others did not meet her eyes, but stared at the image, at the floor or at one another. Shaken, Narissa took her seat. The silence stretched out.

Sutarna now walked to the room's edge to seek out the sea's horizon, a darker blue line flat and immovable where the aquamarine of the Naropa and the turquoise of the morning sky touched one another. Over the sea, the tezarin swooped and circled one another. She waited.

At last Iolis broke the silence, "In that case, I suggest we send Aethyta. It would be her responsibility. Anyone else would have to face her later, after the deed. This way she would do her duty, and not seek vengeance, or they would be together to be taken out at once. Her strong, violent and hasty nature may serve our course this once."

"I agree. We show Aethyta these two things, and leave out any mention of Benezia's indoctrination, to let sleeping quarek lie." Angelith surveyed the other's faces. "We have a majority agreement. We must act quickly. We know where she is now, but not where she might go. We will summon Aethyta and give this task to her. The floor remains open for last concerns."

"What will we tell Tevos?" Terilene asked.

"That we are taking appropriate measures," Sutarna responded, attention on the tezarin.

"Aethyta and Liara would make an even more formidable foe together…" Iolis cautioned.

"Except Liara doesn't know," Narissa said softly. Sorrow welled up in her. She had been there when Liara was born, and Benezia... She bowed her head in grief.

* * *

Hackett's aide had a Marine waiting to escort Liara back to the _Shanghai_. As soon as they reached the gates, however, she thanked him and sent him away. She couldn't face returning to an Alliance vessel right now, or of being surrounded even by friends. Their grief compounded her own, and as irrational as she knew it to be, she was angry none of them was Shepard. If they were as worn out by the day as she was, they probably wouldn't notice her absence tonight, she reasoned. Some anonymity would bring welcome relief.

With no specific destination in mind, she wandered out into the corridors of the lower wards. Night never fell on the Citadel, with its endless artificial sunlight, but long shadows stretched across the corridors, and she knew the hour was late. Black scratches and gray circular discolorations stippled the walls, and among the chunks of buildings and derelict machines choking the passages, the faces of the refugees and displaced residents squatting in doorways and corners peered out unsmiling. Farther from the central passageways, where lights that had been knocked out had not yet been repaired, fires burned in large oil barrels and trashcans, providing the only illumination and heat. Tired as she was, Liara knew better than to let her guard down or to allow her mind to drift in these spaces. Few asari could be seen here. Some instinct drove her onward, nonetheless, deeper into the darkness. She craved a corner of her own, where she could be alone with her thoughts and seek peace.

The smell of something roasting in one of the makeshift camps wafted past where she walked, and for the first time in days, she felt actual hunger stirring. She decided to see what she could find to eat. Purchasing skewers of roasted fish from a kiosk vendor, Liara ate the first real meal she could remember that week. The warmth of the food filled her with a sense of calm, and some of the long held knots in her abdomen relaxed. She breathed deeply, content just to be, for a time. The dim lighting of the eating area, the surrounding grime and chaos quickly settled into just the way things were. Life, muted and desperate, went on. Somewhere she heard several voices shouting, but it seemed far away.

It was in this more peaceful state that she started to notice the human children in a nearby doorway looking at her half-eaten third skewer. Without glancing over again, Liara set the skewer down and went back to the vendor for two more. Sure enough, when she returned to her seat, the other skewer was gone. She showed no distress, just made a show of searching under her seat for it before she sat. Then she put the new skewers to get something to drink. When she returned with two bottles of fruit juice, the other skewers were gone. This time she looked back to the doorway where she'd seen the children. No faces were visible now, but she held out a bottle anyway, expecting that they were still watching, wherever they were. She placed the bottles at the far end of the table, out of her reach, returned to her seat, and waited. Eventually a scruffy, dirty human child with shaggy hair and ripped clothes shuffled forward, bright eyes intently on her, and reached for the bottles. She was going to just let the child go when she recognized that there were bruises underneath the dirt on its face, and blood on the hand emerging from the sleeve to grab the second bottle. As gently as possible she placed a stasis field around the child's wrist.

The child's eyes grew wide and wild. It wriggled, trying to free itself. She walked over, speaking softly that she meant no harm. It was impossible to tell if the child was a girl or a boy, but she thought maybe a girl. Wetting her napkin with some of her bottled water, she wiped it on her own face and wrist, trying to show the child that it wouldn't hurt. The child watched, some of the panic subsiding in that little face. She patted the child's head. The child flinched at first, then stood still and impassive. Liara knelt down and dabbed water on the filthy face very gently, and then pointed at the injured hand and held out hers for it. She released the stasis field. The child shot backward. With another small stasis field on one little foot, she stopped the child again, and waited. When the child didn't stop struggling, she went over and wrapped her arms around the child, holding her. It took awhile, but eventually, when Liara did nothing else, the child stopped.

Continuing to speak words of comfort and hold the wiry, small body close, she reached for the injured hand. The child kept its eyes on her face and its body ready for flight as she carefully opened the fingers on the injured hand and examined the wound. Angry red marks streaked around a long deep gash. It was infected and would need stitches. The child stayed very still as she wiped away as much of the dirt as she could and wrapped the napkin around the injured hand. The child looked at her with tilted head as if trying to figure her out. Tentatively the little human poked a finger at her tunic, at the scientist insignia there and mumbled something she couldn't understand.

Liara knew the child needed to see a doctor. She thought of Karin, but the ship was too far away. Maybe she could find Dr. Michel. Explaining what she wanted to do, she picked the child up, and put it over her shoulder. It was the only way she could think of ensuring that the child didn't escape along the way. She carried the child to the food vendor and asked if he knew Dr. Michel or where to find her. He gave her directions, but she was fairly sure he was laughing at her too, so she wasn't entirely confident of the directions. Nevertheless, she set off as he'd indicated. The child sent out a long, low whistle.

She hadn't gone far before the little one started poking at her crests. She told the child to stop, but then the child grabbed one of her crests and pulled back on it so hard it brought tears to her eyes. With a quick movement, she placed the little one on its feet, and scolded the child while holding his or her thin wrists biotically. Those lurking in the doorways stopped to watch this drama, some laughing, some regarding them with looks she did not like. Picking the child back up and hoisting it over her shoulder again, she walked faster. She could tell other children were following them, but those were not what she was worried about.

When she had almost reached where the vendor had indicated, what she had feared happened. A heavily armored batarian stepped out in front of her, blocking the passageway. The child whistled loudly and the other children scattered at the signal. The little one huddled against her, pushing into her as if her body could absorb and hide it. "What's a pretty little asari like you doing so far from Chora's Den all by your lonesome? You forget your way to the dance pole?" the batarian sneered. "Don't worry. I'll let you use mine." He stood with his legs apart, and clutched his crotch, as if what he meant wasn't clear enough. "My boys and I would like that. I bet we keep you dancing all night." Several other heavily armed and armored batarians stepped out of doorways she had passed and up ahead. They were surrounded. She thought she counted five of them, maybe seven. "I bet you'll even like it. We all know you asari can never get enough, especially you young maidens, always flaunting your bodies. I promise we'll let you do that before we make you scream, and then maybe we'll let you use that mouth for better things." He took a threatening step toward her. "Just one question, before we give you what we know you want and need." One of the others behind her laughed, another to her left made obscene sounds. "What are you doing with that child? Any children around here belong to us."

She placed the child on its feet, releasing its hands. She stood in front, as a shield from the advancing batarians as her fists began to glow. The child looked at her imploringly and clutched the hem of her tunic. She felt a wave of anger wash over her and grit her teeth. They had picked the wrong asari on the wrong day to start a fight.

* * *

A half hour later, Dr. Michel looked up and saw a familiar face she hadn't seen in a while. "Doctor T'Soni, it's so good to see you! And what have we here?" Her eyes widened at the dirty human child walking beside Liara, clutching her hand, and the four others that followed her in. Noticing the blood smeared on Liara's face, Chloe hastened to her side. "Oh la la, comment allez vous? Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine, Doctor Michel, but these children need help. This one has a wound that's become infected." Liara reassured the child holding her hand as the Doctor knelt and gave its injury a look.

"You are quite right. It is good you brought this child to me now. This could easily have cost the enfant a hand." Fetching her supplies, Chloe cleaned, numbed, stitched and slathered medigel on the child's hand before she bandaged it.

Liara sat, exhaustion overtaking her. Some of the children sat near her. The littlest one got up in her lap. She wrapped an arm over it as it snuggled against her.

When Chloe had finished cleaning and inspecting each of the children, she turned to Liara. "What is this? Do you mind?" She showed Liara the cloth, and Liara nodded, before she wiped the blood off the asari's face. "You look all done in. It is good you are here, n'est-ce pas? Your friends are looking for you. Doctor Chakwas called me earlier. She was concerned, and was hoping I had seen you. She would be relieved to hear from you." She paused, looking Liara over. "Ah, but I do not mean to be rude. I can see you have had enough for today. Come. I have some cots you and your new little friends can use. Or you may take my bed. My apartment is nearby, and I do not think I will be using it tonight." Chloe helped Liara up and led the small procession to a side room, where several cots were already set up.

Hardly able to keep her eyes open now that she could let her guard down, Liara mumbled, "No, cot ... fine. Just need to…" Her hands felt along the edges of the cot as she lowered herself, then fell into it, her eyes closing almost as soon as her head touched it.

One of the children climbed up and curled up beside her. Chloe pulled off Liara's boots and unfolded the blanket from the end of the cot, pulling it up over both. The other children clambered up on the other cots, some in pairs, some of them kicking off their shoes first, others only doing so when she insisted. Then she turned the light in the room off, and closed them all safely in, returning to the main room herself. Using the clinic's monitor, she rang the _Shanghai_. "Doctor Chakwas? Sorry to wake you. She's here et bien pour le plus part. I think she's been in a fight. No, she's sleeping now. Maybe. Yes, I suggest you arrive early. She should sleep for a long time, but there is no knowing. Something is off, but you know that already, yes? Perhaps a form of shell shock? Non, je m'excuse. I won't ask. It is none of my business. I do believe she needs her friends. I'll stay up, but don't take too long. I could not stop her from leaving if she wanted to."

* * *

When Liara awoke, it was the afternoon, and she was alone in a strange room. It took a moment for the memory of the day before to return to her. She smoothed her jersey. It was wrinkled and smelled a little. She'd been wearing it too long. She slowly sat and pulled her boots on, listening to the subdued sounds from the other room of mostly female chatter. Walking over, she opened the door.

"She is here at last!" Doctor Michel chirped brightly. "Another country heard from."

Liara was not really surprised to see Karin sitting there, sipping tea. "Doctor Michel, the children?"

"Your charges? The human social services came this morning for them, n'inquietez pas. Do not worry! They are in good hands." Chloe put a plate in a nearby machine and pressed a few buttons. "Venez, come, sit." She patted the chair beside Karin. "We were just having café and talking about you. How did you sleep?"

"Well, thank you," Liara shuffled into the room, looking somewhat worse for wear. "Why are there so many of them, Doctor Michel? What is C-Sec doing about it? Aren't humans' lives short enough without this misery too?"

"My dear, these are hard things to consider upon waking. Come and sit. I will tell you that the Citadel has always had populations of abandoned children. C-Sec calls them duct rats. The reasons are all different, but sometimes the parents are too poor, and sell them in order to eat, or don't care. Some children are conceived by accident or to those too young to care for them. Some are stolen by slavers and work hard labor or cheap sex. Few species have the mating habits or wealth and wisdom of the asari. It is not uncommon among humans, and well known to your Commander, I think, even if this is unheard of on your world." Liara stopped and blinked. When she had last been here, it had been with Rachel. It rushed back to her now, with guilt, that in the commotion the previous night, she had forgotten. Was she starting to forget Rachel already?

Karin put her face in her hand.

Chloe did not miss the change in her companions, or the feeling in the room. "Oh, where are my manners? I am so sorry. She will be missed, our champion. It is a great loss for us all, and I am a brute to remind you of a loss that weighs so heavily, even for me. Please forgive me." In the brighter light of day, Chloe could better see the dark purple streaks running down the back of Liara's neck. Chloe looked over at Karin meaningfully. The bell went off, and she pulled a warm plate from the machine and placed it between them. "Well, I must go make my rounds. I'll leave you two in peace. It will take me about three hours. You are very welcome to stay as long as you'd like, of course. If I don't see you when I return, however, please take care and know you are always welcome here." She rose and pressed cheeks with Liara, first on one side, then the other. "Biz to all the others. It would be wonderful to hear from them, especially from Garrus. I have not forgotten how he saved me. A plus tard." With that, she grabbed her kit, and with an apologetic glance back at Karin, bustled out, flipping the sign on the door to read when she would return and locking the clinic door behind her.

In the silence she left behind, Liara rubbed her eyes and sat. "I'm sorry, Karin, for not letting you know…."

Karin took a sip. "I think I understand, but don't disappear without saying anything again. I was worried something had happened to you. Yesterday was terribly difficult."

"Yes." Liara felt the weight settle back on her chest. She began to eat, the motions habit more than anything else.

"While we're here, I think it would be wise for us to set up a consultation." Karin watched Liara's face. "As Dr. Michel would say, why not?" She tried her best to imitate Chloe's accent.

Liara took no notice of the attempt at humor. "No!"

Such vehemence surprised Karin. "Why?"

Liara hesitated. "I'm fearful of drawing attention. My condition would raise many questions, and with my history, I am afraid the matriarchs would choose to act against me."

"What do you mean?" Karin's brow furrowed.

"With what my mother has done, if word reaches them that I am ill, or that I bonded so early, they may decide...," Liara squirmed in her seat, and Karin placed a hand on her arm to comfort her. Liara continued softly, "Karin, what I've done my people consider a crime. Should they learn of it, should I tell an asari physician, she would be required to report it, and given everything, I would very likely be slated for assassination."

"Oh! Your people would...?! How severe. I had no idea!" Karin frowned, deep in thought for a while. "I better understand your hesitation. Let me help you better understand my concern. You have not been yourself. You are seeing things, your moods are labile and now you have these dark purple streaks running down your neck…."

"What!" Liara craned to try to see.

"There's a mirror over there." Karin gestured. "Liara, you need help. I can call a specialist from here, not give my name, not give yours, not provide all the details, and request advice. Whatever is going on, we can handle it together." Karin prayed that this was true. She was deeply concerned.

Liara frowned as she managed to catch a glimpse of the streaks marking her neck. She'd never seen or heard of anything like this. And after last night, she had to agree with Karin. She vaguely remembered being consumed by rage and attacking batarians. The memory made her sick. What was happening to her? Returning to sit beside Karin, she looked over at her, hollow eyed. "I don't think medicine can help, but I am willing to try."

Karin relaxed a little. "I'm so glad you said that." She placed her hand on Liara's shoulder. "Let's see what help we can find." She went over to Dr. Michel's terminal and keyed in a search, pulling up a short list of asari specialists. "I recognize this doctor's name from the journals. She specializes in melding. May I call her now?"

"Yes." Liara went back to picking at the food on her plate, and appeared very subdued.

After having the call re-routed through a number of assistants, they finally reached the specialist, Dr. Alethea L'Engle. Karin kept audio on and video off as Dr. L'Engle came on. "Hello, Dr. Michel, what a pleasant surprise. How may I help you? My assistant says you're in need of an emergency consult. What is so urgent? "

"Dr. L'Engle, thank you for taking the time. I have a very special case, something I've never seen before. I believe you may be one of the few people who can help." Karin made no effort to correct the misidentification, though she knew she did not sound at all Swiss.

"I will be happy to help if this is so. Please tell me a little about this patient and why you think this true. I have someone waiting, but can give you twenty minutes." Dr. L'Engle did not say anything if she noticed the discrepancy between Dr. Michel's and Dr. Chakwas' accents.

"An asari came to me for treatment who shows deep purple marking on her neck, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, emotional volatility and a recent trend of experiencing visual hallucinations," Karin explained. "Some of these symptoms are congruent with mourning a recent sudden and significant loss. Others are not."

The line was quiet on the other end. "Did you say deep _purple_ markings on her neck?" Karin thought she detected a strain in Dr. L'Engle's voice.

Karin sipped her tea before responding. "Yes."

"You are sure? They are not silver or grey?" The strain in Dr. L'Engle's voice was there, Karin was sure of that.

"Yes, I've seen them myself. Why?" Karin was beginning to feel uneasy.

"You should have this asari come and see me at once. What is her name? I will set up an appointment today, or you can bring her to my office now." There was no mistaking the urgency in Dr. L'Engle's voice.

With a glance at Liara, Karin responded, "I'm afraid that's not possible. She has left already and is en route to another system. I told her that if I learned anything, I would reach her at her destination."

"What system? What ship? Please tell me her destination."

"Dr. L'Engle, you are causing me alarm. It goes against our medical customs to divulge our patient's names to outside parties. What is it that commands your immediate attention about these markings?" Karin gripped her cup tightly.

"We must not speak in half truths. Sharing names in consults is not uncommon, as we all follow the code of silence together. Telling me would not count as breaking confidentiality. I will assume your patient has requested secrecy, which concerns me more, for maybe then she is aware of the seriousness of the situation and refusing to deal with it. What you describe is a very dangerous condition. She will need her people's help immediately. I mean no offense when I say this. You must give me her name."

Karin didn't think she had ever heard an asari doctor sound this upset, or to so unsuccessfully hide it. "Please tell me about this condition, so I can best assess how to honor her request and yours." Doctor Chakwas and Liara exchanged glances. It sounded like some orders were being given on the other end while the speaker was muffled.

Liara knew she'd have to leave soon. Her expression said as much to Karin, whose concern for Liara increased.

After a long pause, L'Engle spoke again. "It is not something my people usually speak of, but I will share so that you will understand the urgency and importance of my request that you let me know who this asari is so that we can help her." Karin hardly dared to glance at Liara. "What you describe sounds like the transition to Karaburan. It means dark wind. Because of the way my people form connections with others, they are vulnerable to becoming katabatic if they lose a very deep connection, especially their first or longest-lasting soul bond, suddenly, violently and unexpectedly. The loss tears open the core of the survivor and leaves a void. Without assistance, that void can grow and drive her mad. If it's a first or particularly deep connection, she has to be guided in how to let go. Only another of our kind can do this. The asari you saw sounds like she is in the early stages, though usually the streaks do not appear until later, thus my heightened concern. The hallucinations will only get worse. If she does not receive treatment soon, she will be a danger to all around her. It is very serious."

Karin's mouth had gone dry. She reached out and took Liara's hand. "I appreciate you sharing this."

"I hope you will be as forthcoming in answering my questions. If you are not yet ready to tell me her name, can you tell me under what circumstances this asari lost her bondmate, her age and her something about her parents? I know this must have been the first bondmate she'd lost, or she would know what to do. These other details influence her possible outcomes."

Karin met Liara's eyes with the question. Liara, looking grim and pale, nodded. "She was nearby when her bondmate died violently. She is a maiden, and the daughter of two asari."

"By the Goddess…" Dr. L'Engle's voice trailed off in shock. "She is at risk for the two winds." Liara started and pulled her hand away from Karin's, eyes wide. "And so young…. I don't know what to say. This is truly terrible. I am so sorry, but what you describe could not be worse. It is very rare, but likely will prove deadly. Please, I must know her name at once."

Liara sprang to her feet, dashed for the door, and through it before Karin could move.


	4. Keep

**Keep**

From May Sarton's _Autumn Sonnets Number 2_

___If I can take the dark with open eyes _  
_And ... stand unmoved before the change, _  
_Lose what I lose to keep what I can keep _  
_The strange root still alive under the snow, _  
_Love will endure__—_if I can let you go. 

* * *

Councilor David Anderson liked the feel of the heavy glass in his hand, solid and real. He leaned on the balcony railing with red-rimmed eyes. Shepard, gone—he couldn't grasp that. After all she had survived, all she had accomplished, nothing remained? No trace? He had sent her, and she would never be coming back. If only...

His companion's voice droned on at its most nasal, like Anderson's memory of a mosquito. "Anderson, don't be unreasonable. Even Spectres die; it's a dangerous job. That's why it's only entrusted to our best." Donnel Udina helped himself to Anderson's liquor as he spoke. It only caused him a little pain to praise Shepard, and the alcohol would ease that sting. He could afford to praise her now. "For all her lack of political acumen, she was a great success. She paved the way to humanity's place on the council. That's a worthy legacy. Let her go. We will appoint others. Our top priority must be to shore up our position, and we can't do that by holding on to her memory at the expense of progress." It galled him that her death had such a negative effect on their newly acquired office. It seemed one final insult from the impossible woman, and just when they'd been making such gains.

Anderson turned and glowered at him. "Based on Joker's testimony, she may have survived until the _Shanghai_ gave up and flew off, leaving her to die. The matter must be investigated!" Anderson's lowered brows made his anger clear. "She deserved better! So did her crew!" He pointed at Udina menacingly. "Did you have anything to do with that farce the Alliance put them through?" He was shouting. "They were not the ones that needed to be questioned! Why weren't the Captain and the crew of the _Shanghai_?" He had thrown and broken one of his best glasses against the wall while watching the vids. "If I had known…!"

"Your temper, _Councilor_," Udina did not hide his sarcasm when using the title, "cannot serve you as well in your new role as it did on the battlefield. Listen to someone who knows the subtler ways of politics. Your Alliance did us a favor. Shepard had made powerful friends _and_ enemies. Unless her crew was kept confused, discredited and divided, given new tasks, they could instigate a rebellion, change balances of power. It could have cost us our seat on the Council! If you follow my guidance, you may still manage to salvage our office's authority. Think! What could we possibly gain by proving the Alliance at fault? We'd shoot ourselves in the foot and make powerful enemies. Give up this pernicious train of thought…"

"Give up, Udina? Get out of my sight!" Anderson stayed where he was, clenching his jaw, turning away from Udina again. "It's not our office, it's mine."

"Yes, that's what _Shepard_ wanted, remember?" Udina wrinkled his nose, catching the unmistakable scent of stale elasa and the cheroots sold at Chora's Den on Anderson's clothes. "Clearly you are not prepared to be rational today, or to do any real work. Please don't see anyone in your official capacity until you've cleaned yourself up." With satisfaction at having had the last word, he left.

Alone with his thoughts, Anderson remembered when he'd first met Shepard, that brutal night on Mindoir.

_"Lieutenant, what's the hold up? Report!" The XO's voice, even at a whisper, carried across the water. Assault rifles drawn, they had been advancing up the stream that ran to the colony's landing pad. They had planned to take the batarians by surprise, and to cut off their escape route. _

_Out of the dark, something had drifted into his legs. He had shipped his rifle onto his pack and had reached down, then splashed back a step as he realized that what had bumped into his legs was the slender body of an adolescent girl. Even though he had already seen many horrors in his career, some of them earlier that night, he had never grown accustomed to seeing young people dead. It disturbed him, reminding him of his own son, left back home. Reverently he had picked the body up, dismayed to recognize the darker stains and jagged blast holes on the girl's torso. It had surprised him to find her staring at him with wide eyes. They blinked. "Alive," he'd whispered. "She alive!" _

_He had insisted on taking her back immediately to the _Einstein_. After a short hissed battle of wills, the XO had let him with the promise that he'd rally another squad and lead them to support the action at the landing pad. The air chilled him once he'd sloshed out of the stream and started running back to their ship and staging area. A Mako rolled down the ramp as he jogged past, weaving among the lights and cots. Generators thrummed, but not loudly enough to cover the moans and shrieks of the few mutilated and bloody adults being tended in the medical tent, some of whom were badly burned. S__o far, m_ostly what they had found were bodies and body parts. He searched for the doctor he had grown to trust since serving with her during the Battle of Shanxi. 

_When he had located the trim woman with the short brown bob, she was directing care in the midst of the burn victims, determining triage and assigning staff. "Doctor!" _

_"Anderson?" She frowned as she watched him approach. "A teen? We've not seen any young yet." With a gesture that indicated he should follow, she led the way to an empty cot. _

_He set the girl carefully down. Under the bright lights, the blood covering her showed up clearly. She regarded him with great intensity. Her hand held his sleeve._

_"You're safe now," the doctor said. "I'm going to cut off your shirt so that I can see your injury and help. What's your name?"_

_The girl didn't take her eyes off Anderson, let go, or speak, even when the doctor spoke to her. The expression in her eyes seemed at once ancient and flat. He had seen it many times before, on the faces of widows, orphans and young soldiers in war zones. It filled him with sympathy, and with a desire to protect. "You're going to be alright," he told her. _

_The doctor pulled cloth out of the wounds on the girl's shoulder; the girl had been shot at close range with a rifle. She called out for her surgical kit from one of the assistants, and looked at him. "I think you'd better stay. You might be what's keeping her from slipping away in shock."_

_He'd nodded and had taken the small hand on his sleeve into both of his own, stroking the back of it. That's when he'd found the cut on the soft flesh between her thumb and forefinger, and knew what it was, the bite of a gun on an inexperienced shooter. Looking in the girl's eyes, he smiled. "You've been very brave, haven't you?" He gently squeezed her hand. "Keep it up, just a little while longer."_

_"Numbing her now." The Doctor finished prepping swiftly with the nerve block, and picked up her scalpel. "We'll get you patched up in no time, my dear. Stay with us."_

_"You can punch me if it hurts," he'd told the girl. He had kept returning her gaze as he spoke to the Doctor. "This one will make it, Doctor. She's a fighter."_

It had taken a week into that whole nightmare where they'd failed miserably to rescue any other children before the girl had finally spoken, and he had learned her name was Rachel Shepard. Just six years later, the whole Alliance and everyone in the Terminus Systems would come to know that name, and hail her as the hero of Elysium. And since then, the whole galaxy had heard of her as she became a Spectre and then the Savior of the Citadel. He had never been so proud. It had made it all worth it.

He finished his drink and stared at the empty glass. For all its glory, it had been too short a life, and that was on him, as much as on anybody. His glass thudded onto the top of his desk as he set it down and headed back to Chora's.

* * *

"Wrex, the quartermaster wants that cannon back. You already have more of an arsenal collected here than you could use at once, or carry. What are you preparing for?" Kaidan had spent the morning trying to ease tensions between the _Shanghai's_ quartermaster and his krogan teammate, and his head ached from the shouting and stubbornness. For the umpteenth time, he missed Shepard more than ever.

"That's none of your concern," Wrex growled. He strapped some weapons to his legs, some to his pack. The two-handed cannon he'd liberated from the armory he'd carry. The human might be right about not being able to take it all, but he wasn't giving up yet. He certainly wasn't surrendering the cannon.

"I think I've earned the right to ask." Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest. "You've got the ship's watch making reports to Command that you're planning to take over the Citadel."

With a deep, throaty chuckle, Wrex finally paid full attention to Kaidan. "Wouldn't tell you if I was." He pointed to the bandolier of cyrogrenades. "Hand me that belt."

Kaidan complied. "What's all this for?" The krogan positively bristled with weapons.

"You can ask." Wrex tugged the belt tight and fastened the cinch, then he checked to see if there was anywhere else he could ship any of the remaining weapons. "It doesn't mean I'll answer." It looked like he'd have to leave behind the second pair of pistols, and the second and third shotguns. "This hardly begins to replace what Shepard had given me, or to cover what's owed me for pulling everyone's asses out of the fire."

"The quartermaster can't access Spectre gear. You know that." Kaidan sighed. He ignored the already-familiar sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Wrex, I miss her too." None of his training had covered how to try to comfort grieving krogans, if that's what this was. "Why don't you disarm, we'll go to Chora's and tie one on."

"Tie what on? A dancer?" Wrex shook his head. "Humans." He picked up the cannon and headed for the door.

"You're just leaving?" Kaidan's voice rose a few notes higher than usual at the end. For all that he knew it was a bad idea, he blocked passage out of the room anyway. "What about the others? What about Liara? She's not back yet."

"If she was coming back, she'd be here already. Get out of my way. The last payment of my wages went through this morning. It's time for me to go. I have things to do." When Kaidan didn't move, Wrex pointed the cannon at him. "Don't make me test this."

Never sure if the krogan was bluffing, Kaidan stepped aside. "If she does come back, where do I tell her you've gone? What do I tell the others?"

"Tell her I've gone home." Wrex brushed past him. "Tell them goodbye." Crew members veered out of Wrex's way as he strode down the hall to the elevator for the hangar.

Kaidan stood in the doorway, lost in thought, until someone cleared her throat behind him, and he turned.

Hackett's aide greeted him with a salute. "Staff Lieutenant, Admiral Hackett requires your presence."

"I have orders to leave for my new assignment at 1100 hours," Kaidan cautioned. It never seemed a good thing to be called to an Admiral's office the day after being examined in an inquest.

"The Admiral is well aware," she replied and started down the hall.

* * *

Tali and Garrus were waiting on the dock near the ramp to the _Shanghai_ when Chakwas returned, alone.

"I thought you were coming back with Liara." Tali twisted the fingers of her hands nervously. She had been feeling more and more out of place and friends disappearing discomfited her completely. Wrex had stomped off, armed to the teeth, only 15 minutes ago.

Chakwas shook her head. She looked tired and worried.

"Didn't Chloe, ahrem," Garrus coughed and cleared his throat. "I mean Doctor Michel, say she'd gone to the clinic?" He placed a comforting hand on the quarian's shoulder. "What happened?"

"I really couldn't say. She chose not to return with me." Chakwas wished again that she'd been able to find the asari. She'd chased after her without another word to Dr. L'Engle or switching off the terminal, but by the time she'd reached the door, Liara was not in sight. Running would have drawn attention, as would have calling her name, so she'd made her way back to the ship slowly, hoping Liara would appear along the way. Witnessing behavior so out of keeping with the asari's usual manner troubled Chakwas, as did Dr. L'Engle's words. If only she knew what it meant, what Liara was thinking, or of someone who could help her.

"What do we do with Liara's things if she's not back by the time the _Shanghai_ leaves this afternoon?" Tali had already packed, and had her gear stowed beside her. She wanted to say goodbye to her friends, and to make arrangements to stay in touch. "It feels like everything is falling apart, and the Commander's only been gone a week."

"I know, Tali," Chakwas said wearily. Early that morning, she had received her orders to report to Mars Station in two days time. The transport would arrive at 1500 hours. "We've not had time to come to terms individually, and it doesn't seem like we'll get the chance to do so together." She wondered if she'd ever see Liara again, and it added to the burden of grief she already carried. Caring for Liara and Joker and the other survivors of the _Normandy_ had been helping her deal with the loss of Commander Shepard and the indignities and injustice of the inquest. "I'll have Liara's effects sent to Admiral Hackett."

"Okay, goodbye then, Doctor Chakwas." Tali wasn't sure of what humans did in these situations. Did they shake hands or hug? She looked at Garrus, in case he knew. He might have guessed what she was thinking because he shrugged. "Thank you for taking such good care of me."

"Where will you go, Tali?" Chakwas asked.

"Back to the Fleet. Shepard gave me something to use as my pilgrimage gift. My people will want to study it." Tali shifted from one foot to another uncomfortably.

"Take care of yourself, Tali. It was an honor and a pleasure serving with you." Chakwas extended her hand.

With a sense of relief, Tali shook the doctor's hand. "Goodbye, Doctor." When they'd stopped, she looked at the tall turian beside her. "Goodbye, Garrus." With one hand, she hefted her pack on her shoulder and walked away, looking back and giving a little wave before getting in the elevator.

Garrus escorted the Doctor into the decontamination chamber. He still had to pack. "Did Liara say where she was going?"

"No." Chakwas closed her eyes as the scanner's glare swept over them and back.

"Is she okay? Are you?" Garrus asked. "You're looking tired, Doctor."

"I'm fine, Garrus, and you know all information on any crew member's health is strictly confidential." Chakwas strode through the opening doors and toward Joker's room. She wanted to check on him before she left. He'd been threatening to resign from the Alliance. Grief and guilt over the loss of the Commander and the ship, and his rage about their all being put on trial, had him not thinking clearly. Although she sympathized with him, she hoped to talk him out of it, nevertheless. Losing a way of life and his living on top of everything else she feared would be too much for him.

"I know, but she took it pretty hard, and hasn't been herself. Now Wrex has left, and the whole team is splitting up. It's a lot to handle. Shepard would have wanted us to look out for one another." With his long legs, Garrus easily kept pace with Chakwas down the drab gunmetal corridors. "Can you at least give me a hint about where she went?"

Chakwas paused. "It's good of you to want to watch out for her. She needs friends around her right now, and like the rest of the _Normandy's_ Alliance crew, I've been re-assigned." She placed a hand on Garrus' arm. "I don't know where she is, or where she'll go. If you find her, will you please ask her to be in touch with me?"

Garrus nodded, and watched the Doctor move away down the crowded corridor of the ship. After he'd packed, he'd look for Liara.

* * *

Once out of the clinic, Liara slipped into the crowd and around the corner, careful not to appear in haste. With commandos on the hunt for her, soon or already, she wanted to ensure that the doctor got away safely before she'd figure out her own escape. Karin emerged, looking for her in silence and concern, and Liara fought the urge to go to her and to explain, to say goodbye. They'd likely argue, she reasoned, and there wasn't time. The woman wanted to help her, but she couldn't, as they both knew. Karin would probably only accept that if she had no other choice. It was time for them to part. Liara would not allow herself to be a source of danger to one of her only friends. Years of practice in her mother's house, at school, and at her digs had allowed her to perfect the art of being invisible. She called on those skills now, staying in the shadows, watching Karin leave.

When she was gone, Liara made her way to the stairs and descended into the reaches of the lower wards. She'd need the darkness to hide her telltale neck marks while she figured out her next move. Hackett's offer came to mind, but she dismissed it, for now. If her own people hunted her, the Alliance couldn't help. As she neared where she'd wandered the night before, she began to feel uneasy as more and more C-Sec agents passed her in the corridors, mostly humans. She could swear some of them looked at her oddly. Could the commandos have enlisted C-Sec's help?

She ducked into a side passage. Ahead, at the far end, intensely bright light caught her attention. There'd been nothing like that anywhere she'd wandered the previous evening, and her curiosity got the better of her. She decided to check it out. Large metal canisters constricted the narrow passageway even further as she progressed, providing plenty of cover, and an offensive odor. Her nose wrinkled as the rancid smell of souring food waste reached her from the canister overflow. Liara picked her way around rusting scrap and discarded soiled food containers. Some more powerful ward probably had dumped their commercial and industrial refuse in this poorer one. Idly she wondered if her mother could see her now, what she would say. Liara laughed out loud at the thought. Nothing good, certainly. Archaeology was cleaner and more honorable, than skulking through filth. For a moment she couldn't stop laughing, the sound dry and hard as a cough. Perhaps her mother would understand only too well about reversals of fortune. Maybe she'd ask her, soon enough.

Gripping the edge of one of the canisters, Liara kept in cover as she leaned forward to glimpse what had required all the light. Half a dozen tall lamps had been set up around the corridor ahead, stiff and awkward on metal tripods too large for the area. Four C-Sec officers knelt or stood nearby taking notes and examining what seemed to be several bodies lying in congealed pools of green blood. The victims had been batarian then. The nearest Liara could make out. He lay, severely mangled, armor partially broken off him, weapon parts scattered beside him. A little further, a heap of organs and tissue suggested another had been torn apart from the inside. Her mostly empty stomach heaved at the gruesome sight. Who or what could possibly have done such a horrible thing to a sentient being? The light reflected off shards of glass scattered along the ground. All the windows in the building behind the bodies had been blasted out. She thought all glass had long been shatterproof. Some new kind of weapon then? Liara shuddered at the thought. It was then the asari commando who had been crouched with her back to Liara stood up.

Liara ducked back behind the canister, holding her breath as the asari approached the body nearest her. A C-Sec agent must have joined her, because a moment later, Liara heard two people speak.

"Well, what do you think? Could it have been asari?" A male turian voice.

"Lieutenant, what makes you think any of my people could be capable of this?" The asari's voice, though deep, sounded slightly familiar. Liara was tempted to risk a glimpse to identify it.

"Who besides the Eclipse could have had the numbers, motive and ability to do this to Kalgraff and his top boys on their own turf? Maybe they wanted in on his trade and took advantage of our lack of resources. I can't imagine any other group would have had sufficient numbers, or any interest in fighting over such a dump."

"Not even the Blue Suns? Such brutality and leaving all this evidence is hardly Eclipse's style."

"I'll take your word on that, but it seems more likely than batarian on batarian violence. The Suns usually keep to the Skyllian Verge. Even though things may be more slipshod since the geth attack, we aren't as bad as the Terminus Systems. Matriarch, look, I appreciate your volunteering to consult on this, but I will question your objectivity if you try to completely overlook how all this damage was done. There's no sign of weapons discharge. It must have been biotics. Only Eclipse could pull that off, or have developed new weapons we haven't heard of yet." The turian's clipped tones revealed his growing impatience.

"Then this Kalgraff got on the wrong side of someone very powerful." The asari sounded hesitant. "I can offer to bolster your forces with two squads while the _Ascension_ is in dock if you need help maintaining security. We're only here for another fortnight though." That's why the voice sounded familiar, Liara realized. It must be Matriarch Lidanya. For a moment, Liara considered talking with her about her situation. No, it was too risky. For all she knew, the Matriarch was leading the hunt. With that thought, Liara felt the need to get far away.

"Would that be enough to stop a group powerful enough to do this?" The turian sounded skeptical.

"I have every confidence." Lidanya sounded it too. Liara's longing to flee grew, but she couldn't risk making a noise and drawing the Matriarch's attention. "What was Kalgraff's gang in to? That might help us track the killers."

"They traded mostly in children and red sand. Hey, could this be the work of a justicar?" At the mention of that word, Liara's blood ran cold.

"Justicars stay in asari space, Lieutenant, to avoid incidents like this." Lidanya sounded displeased at the turian's limited knowledgeability, but whether it was because he knew of justicars at all or didn't know about that restriction was unclear to the flustered eavesdropper.

Nerves frayed, Liara was grateful to hear their voices recede. She peeked out to make sure they had gotten far enough away for her to thread her way back through the littered passage behind her. When her glance assured her that they were, her gaze fell momentarily back on the face of the victim nearest her. Recognition broke over her in a flash. _My boys and I would like that... Just one question? What are you doing with that child?_ She stumbled back over a corner of scrap, falling to the ground and making a clatter. The edge of her tunic caught her eye, and she looked down at the green spatter marking its white border. The green fabric had kept her from noticing the rest. She rolled over, racked by dry heaves. It had been her, dear Goddess! It had been her. Scrambling to her feet, she ran as fast as she could, mindless now of the racket she made, half blind with horror.

"What the hell was that?" The Lieutenant turned and noticed the Matriarch, fists glowing, already a distance away, staring into a dark corridor.

As she watched the figure fleeing, Lidanya answered, "Leave this to me. I'll check it out."

* * *

Liara ran as fast as she could, weaving through the debris and pushing past any people clogging the darkest tunnels and paths she could find. She ran until her lungs burned and her legs ached and the last corridor she turned down came to a dead end. Nervously she scanned the area. Wherever she'd arrived at last, it seemed deserted. It would do. She longed to lean against the wall and slide to the ground and rest, but her mind permitted her no ease. "No, I won't go on like this!" she rasped out loud to no one, her gasping turning to dry sobs, her hands on her knees as she bent over. Her tears fell to the metal floor. Darkness swallowed up the sounds of her misery.

Spying a decrepit catwalk one ladder climb up, she pushed her wobbly legs to carry her there, up and out onto it. It creaked and shook under her weight. Perhaps before the attack, it had functioned as a maintenance walkway, but now it was broken, just like her. Liara could vaguely make out a narrow spire ahead in the feebly lit dark. Perhaps it was a communications tower, or had been. Its blinking little white light did not show enough of it for her to know. She edged a bit farther out, feeling the platform shake beneath her. She was too tired and upset to care. It was true, after all. What the doctor had said, on the consult. The stigma she had fought against so long and hard, the destiny she had feared. It was in her, inescapable at last.

She had thought Shepard had proven it all lies. Shepard had not been afraid of her touch. Shepard had told her it wasn't true. "Shepard, I believed you!" she screamed in pain, grabbed the railing and shook it. It rattled beneath her hands. Bright blue biotics wisped up off her hands and arms, glowing enough to push back the dark. She lifted her hands and stared at them as if they weren't her own. How could something so familiar have betrayed her—her own hands, her own strength, her own self?! Is this what madness was like?

"Shepard, I need you," she whispered, falling to her knees. "Where are you?" She let her biotics die down and stared into the darkness. The rail now crossed the empty space over her head, and there was nothing between her and the vast chasm around her. It would be so easy to just let herself go. They may never even find her body down here, wherever she was. In that final way she could thwart her destiny—to be a destroyer of souls. She stretched out her arms from her sides in a gesture of surrender. What would it feel like, to tumble through that space, not knowing when she'd land? Would it hurt? She thought maybe it would. It would be terrible if she didn't die at once. Whatever she'd done to those batarians, even if she couldn't remember, she still didn't want to suffer. She leaned forward, looked down, and could see nothing.

_"You're one of the bravest people I know." _Shepard's voice, so clear, and so her, rang in Liara's mind as the memory surfaced at her hesitation. Liara lowered her arms and closed her eyes._ The woman had smiled at her as they sat in the dark, buried alive in the mine at Agebinium. _

_"How can you say that? I'm scared to death right now that we'll never get out of here." Liara had confessed with a sense of incredulity. "It's you who's brave enough for all of us." They had sat staring at the watch fire they had set up. Ashley and Tali slept below in the chamber where the Commander had defused the bomb. The Commander had taken the first watch, and Liara had gone to relieve her, but the Commander hadn't returned to the others, instead spending the watch with her. They had spoken softly, but the door to the lower chamber had been closed, so it probably hadn't mattered. The Commander had regarded Liara with her dark eyes, and Liara had felt again a powerful surge of desire flow through her, pushing away other thoughts. It had been confusing that the human woman had such an effect on her._

_"That's not true, Liara." The Commander had leaned forward then and had brushed Liara's cheek with her thumb, cleaning off some smudge, she'd realize later. It had been all she could do to keep herself from leaning into that touch. Her stomach had contracted, and her longing to kiss those lips had been intense. "You kept a host of geth and a krogan warlord at bay by yourself on Therum before we even met. Since then, you've faced Thorian clones and creatures and the Thorian itself without one backward glance or running away." The Commander had laughed. "Hell, I even wanted to then. But you? You've taken on pirates and slavers and crazy biotics without freezing or failing to save someone in nearly every fight, and you're not even a soldier." Liara had detected honest admiration in the woman's eyes. Goddess, she was so beautiful by firelight. "You even had the courage to go into my messed up mind to help me make sense of the Prothean Cipher. I'd say there are few as brave as you."_

_Liara had ducked her head. If she didn't stop staring into the woman's eyes, as __dark as a melding asari's_, she was going to do something rash. There was still so much she didn't know about humans, or about this one in particular. There was still so much the Commander didn't know about her either. But all she had said was, "It was an honor, Commander." The sensation of how that powerful mind had pulsed around hers had haunted her. She knew she wanted more, to go deeper, to touch the woman's core, and more than anything else, that frightened her. "It takes no courage to follow someone like you," she had admitted, at last, shyly. 

_The fire had crackled for several minutes before the Commander had spoken again, and then it had been so softly that at first Liara wasn't certain if she was speaking to her or to herself. She'd said, "That's funny. For most of all that, I was afraid."_

_Startled, Liara had looked up at her again, to see her gazing into the fire. "You were? I don't believe you!"_

_Shepard had just shrugged. "I thought that was what courage was—being afraid but doing what needed to be done anyway. Like now, I don't like being trapped, but what matters is that we find our way out of here, not what I feel about it. Surrounded by so much courage and so much brain power," she'd grinned at Liara at that, so that the asari forgot to breathe, "I know we'll succeed, which is good, because Haliat needs to die with my boot crammed down his throat."_

Liara's heart ached as the memory receded. She opened her eyes; she couldn't do this. If she died, all that was left of Shepard's essence in this world would die with her. The galaxy still needed that, and she needed to find Shepard's body. Both choices were the least she could do for the woman who meant so much to her.

Rising to her feet, she noticed an asari commando leaning against the wall below.


	5. What Is Believed

**What Is Believed**

from T.S. Eliot's _The Dry Salvages_

_There is no end, but addition: the trailing  
Consequence of further days and hours,  
While emotion takes to itself the emotionless  
Years of living among the breakage  
Of what was believed in as the most reliable_

* * *

Aethyta had thought nothing could hurt her anymore. She had thought she would never really feel anything ever again. She'd lost that capacity. When she had heard that Nezzie ... when she had heard…. When….

It made no sense. None of it. Nezzie couldn't be…. It was easier to believe that Nezzie had run off again or been sent to some distant place on some secret mission, and that her disappearance, the aching empty absence of her all over again, was temporary, not…. At some point, she'd appear once more, like a planet occluded for a time in its ellipse, like a star hidden by daylight. She was always there without appearing to be for some stupid, mind-fucking, galaxy-changing excuse of a reason.

There was no way she'd have done any of the things rumored or reported about her. Take up with a violent, psychopathic, turian Spectre shithead; betray Thessia and the Council; massacre human colonies; destroy Binary Helix; breed _rachni!_ No. She _knew_ Nezzie. _Knew_ her. None of that was possible. It was all a set up. Nobody could change that much in a hundred years. How many times had they argued about whether violence could ever be justified? How many times had Nezzie refused to even enter a shouting match about it just to prove her point? Debate, persuasion and compromise were her ways. She could defend herself, sure, but all her efforts had worked toward brokering peaceful solutions, shared solutions. Aethyta was convinced Nezzie had been the one to pull off the peaceful ending to the turian-human conflict. She'd been proud. Nezzie wasn't perfect, she was as annoying and stubborn as hell and frequently convinced that she was right, but she was … beautiful inside.

They couldn't make her question that now. She had every reason to doubt those deceitful, power-hungry, matriarchal douchebags, those ancient spiders. Lying for them was like being blue and purple, like having eezo in the blood, like breathing. That they lived while Nezzie…. She hit the side of her thigh with her fist.

If anything they said was true, then there was so little that could possibly mean anything anymore. She'd never known shit about anything that mattered, and never would. There'd been no point to any of it, except the kids. That was how they'd gotten her, tricked her to appear before them. They'd said it was about _her_ kid, _their_ kid, Liara. They'd shown her a clip where the kid had gotten angry and looked about to wipe out a whole assembly of humans for saying something bad about Nezzie. She may have her mother's eyes and be well on her way to developing her mother's figure, but she also clearly had some of father, some of her, too. The kid had a quad, and a temper.

The kid was also clearly hurting. There in the dark beneath the walkway, wrapped in a set of her mother's leathers, Aethyta recognized the sound of a breaking heart in the kid's scream. Her own ached to hear it. For all she thought she couldn't hurt more, this tore her up. She'd known her kid was hot for the human Spectre when she'd watched the award ceremony, and had thought good for her. Whatever pulled her quad. If this Shepard was still alive, she'd kick her in it for hurting her kid. As it was, she was ready to go spit on the human's grave for up and dying like a dumbass.

No, she had to focus on the kid. The matriarchs wanted her to kill her own daughter. _Nezzie's_ kid. Maybe all that was left of …. Well, fuck them, and fuck that. The kid wouldn't remember her, and she didn't know how she could possibly begin to comfort her, but she would do what she could to protect her. If she could figure out how. The walkway didn't look like it could hold them both. It barely held the kid. What could she say to keep her from jumping? "It's a long way down?" "Give it a few centuries, who knows how things will be then?" If only she was as smart as Nezzie about these kinds of things. Athame's tits, how could Nezzie have left the kid all alone like this?

Deep down, Aethyta knew, Nezzie wouldn't have. She would be there, if she had any idea. She would be there, if she could. More than anything, this broke her heart. Nezzie's kid, their kid, ready to die, and Nezzie really not there, not anywhere anymore. _Damn you, Nezzie, she doesn't even know me. What can I say to her?_

The kid knelt and stretched out her arms. Then it came to her. She'd say,"You're gonna do what you're gonna do. I just want you to know that I'm your father. I love you, and I have always loved you. I'm sorry I haven't been around. Things were complicated. I'm here now, though. I'd very much like the chance to get to know you." She stepped forward and cleared her throat. The kid opened her eyes, stood and looked right at her. Light blue haloed the kid's fists as she clenched them. Aethyta stepped back into the shadows, and took a deep breath, relief surging through her. _That's my girl._

* * *

Liara narrowed her eyes as the commando stepped back into the shadows. She didn't know why the commando hadn't attacked while she'd been completely vulnerable. Maybe the commando had been watching, waiting for Liara to spare her the trouble. Maybe the commando was afraid, having seen what she'd done to the batarians. Maybe she had a partner hiding and was the distraction. Whatever the case, Liara wouldn't give her, or them, another easy shot. Biotics at the ready, she carefully made her way to the end of the walkway and climbed down the ladder. Her back itched in anticipation of a biotic attack. None came. When her feet hit the ground, she ran. She'd have to lose them and herself again in the dark to buy time to make her plan. At least she knew the general direction one commando would be coming from.

This time her skin prickled as she heard the echoes of her footfalls rebound from the tall sides of buildings. In the half-light, in every shadow lurked danger ready to spring as she fled down the deserted back allies. Her heart pounded from more than just exertion. The narrow passageways would be perfect for ambush. Even the tips of her crests tingled with fear at the idea. Better to fight what she could see. She slowed when she saw a group up ahead in one of the …

She hit the wall before she knew what had happened. Blue biotics held her against it like a vise. Head spinning, she pushed out with her own biotics, testing the strength of the other's. The turians gathered around the barrel at the corner up ahead pointed and started walking her way.

"I suggest you mind your own business," a voice cautioned. The turians paused, looked at one another, and backed away, turning the corner and out of sight.

Liara tried to turn her head toward her attacker. "What do you want?" She thought she could hear soft steps approaching.

"You."

* * *

Aethyta grumbled. The kid didn't have to be so spry. Athame's ass, was that a buckle riding up between her cheeks? It was like being embraced by "Can't Keep His Tentacles to His Horny Self" again. Aethyta stopped to wiggle and to pull a strap out of her crack. For the tenth time she worried that her mother hadn't cleaned these leathers properly, and that this was the set she'd used for _those_ nights. She should have bought her own, but they were so expensive, and she really didn't plan on wearing them for more than this rushed trip. Screw it, after she found the kid, she was going back to her room, scrubbing herself down in a long, hot shower and wearing something less stupid, like a dress. She could fight in one of those easier anyway. This getup was too distracting.

The whole thing did remind her, though, that little in life was as embarrassing as one's parents. What if her kid felt that way about her when they met? What if she didn't want anything to do with her? At these thoughts, Aethyta's pace slowed. It would be hard to be rejected. Still, whether she knew it or not, the kid needed her. Now where the hell was she?

* * *

Liara broke the hold, landed in a crouch, and raised a bright fist….

A wave of blue light hit her.

She deflected what she could, but the remaining force still threw her against the wall, and she found herself on her knees again. She staggered to her feet, a trickle of blood escaping from the corner of her mouth, which she wiped away with the back of her hand. "I don't want to fight, but I won't let you kill me." Her opponent's biotics were so bright, she couldn't see her face, just the silhouette of a black-clad figure. "There's something I need to do."

"Yes, there is," the voice told her.

Goddess, could it be a huntress? Liara wished she wasn't so tired, that she wasn't alone, but set her feet and clenched her fists in determination. She wouldn't be knocked over again, huntress or no. She was Liara T'Soni, daughter of Benezia, survivor of Therum, savior of the Citadel. If they wanted to take her down, they'd better send an army.

* * *

Well, the kid was fast, but she left a trail. Thanks to Eos' training, Aethyta could make out Liara's faint energy residue. She or Eos'd have to teach her how not to have her biotics flare all over the place when she was just moving along. Heh, that reminded her of Nezzie. She chuckled as she trotted along. Nezzie couldn't keep all that light inside her either. Aethyta grinned at the sudden flood of vivid memories from the more … inspired … moments Nezzie had been unable to contain herself. Okay, so she'd contributed sometimes, every chance she got actually, and had positively relished it. She could admit that.

Aethyta hoped the kid would get tired soon and slow down. Running around while flaring up was a great way of drawing attention to herself. How'd she get to be a war hero without learning this? Plus, it looked like she'd stepped in something that was sticking to the bottom of one of her shoes. Aethyta shook her head. It had to be the pain she was in, making the kid careless like this, but still. What if the matriarchs had sent someone else as well, to make sure the job got done? To finish it? After all, they knew how little Aethyta felt the need to kowtow to them.

Elcor balls, she was probably on their list too, whether she did what they asked or didn't! With a frown she picked up her pace. She too had been careless, and she had less excuse. She listened closely. Now that she was paying attention, something told her that she was being followed, or at least, was not the only one following the kid. It would be very like the matriarchs to try to take them both down in this underhanded way. And here she was, wandering deserted dark allies by herself like an idiot. She dialed up her omni and sent a quick message to a friend without breaking her stride.

The trail was brighter here, so she had to be closing in. No time to lose.

* * *

Garrus stalked the docks. Wrex had left, to his relief, and Tali, who was a great kid. Kaidan and Chakwas would be taking off from the Alliance docking area, but here, somewhere here, he expected Liara would show up to book passage back to Thessia or to the Terminus systems. He hoped Thessia, but grief had made Liara behave strangely lately, and he really feared she'd do something stupid, something that might involve trying to lose herself where Shepard had been lost. So he kept going back and forth between the two docking areas, concentrating mainly on the Terminus systems one. It wasn't easy. The two areas couldn't be farther apart, or more different. The Thessia docking area was well-lit and boasted all sorts of booths and concierge services, run by elegantly dressed asari. The lights were few and far between in the Terminus systems area, and he'd seen several drug deals go down while he'd been waiting. The folks serving there were mostly batarians and had hard eyes and hard mouths. He knew Liara could handle herself, but she wasn't _being_ herself, and he'd grown fond of her. He didn't think she'd ever seen or could possibly be prepared for the ugly underbelly of the galaxy. It wasn't the place for an affluent, well-educated and well-mannered asari.

His comm. squawked. "Hey, Vakarian. I think we have a sighting." He'd asked some old buddies at C-Sec, who could scroll through the station's camera views and the incoming reports, for a favor. "You said an asari in a green science tunic, right? Some guys just called in a disturbance in the lower Wards, lower Tayseri on the Bachjret side. Apparently some asari matching that description has gotten into some trouble down there. We've sent some officers to the area."

"Thanks, Kyton. Will you pick her up?" Garrus made for the nearest Fast Transit taxi station, his long strides carrying him quickly across the Terminus docking area and drawing sideways glances. They were lucky he had better things to do right now.

"One of 'the Normandy 7'? Probably not. Though I wish I could. What do you say, you set me up with her, you know, for helping you find her? Vakarian? No? Hey, it never hurts to ask. Well, sometimes. I tripped on a volus once at Chora's while trying to get the number of one of the dancers, and had to wear a brace for three weeks, but that wasn't directly the cause. Vakarian, hello? You still there?"

"Listen Kyton, this really isn't the time. Just send her coordinates to my omni." The cab door opened with a rush of air. He stepped in and pulled the door closed.

"Roger Wilco. You know, you're lucky your friend wasn't over in Shalta. She would have blended in, and we wouldn't have found her. I mean if this is the one. Everyone's in white, gray and green over there." Kyton took a bite of something and chewed into the mic as he kept talking. "Of course, she probably wouldn't be in trouble if she was in Shalta, either. I don't know if you've been keeping up, but Tayseri's bad, real bad. I wouldn't walk over there at any hour, even with ten of my deadliest friends and the latest auto-sighting pistols. I don't get paid enough to take the risk." A long, loud sip interrupted the stream of chatter for a moment. "That said, if you need help, just ask. I wouldn't mind seeing one or two of 'the 7' action, and pitching in. Yeah, that's what they've been calling you. Only you're more like the Normandy 5 now. And you have to tell me, what was it like to -*[beep]- "

At the beep, Garrus checked his omni. "Coordinates confirmed. Thanks again, Kyton. I owe you one. Vakarian out." He clicked off the channel, entered the closest address he could find to the coordinates relayed, and stretched out his legs as the cab sped toward Tayseri. The silence was sweet.

The dim light of the alley did nothing to hide the massive discharge of biotic energy that had not completely dissipated yet. Aethyta could feel it on her skin. It tingled across her crests and face and hands. She put her hands up and walked slowly, feeling for where it was warmest. There, against this wall. The black metal was still warm. She felt along it. Where it was hottest, it was also … sticky, the bad kind. She stared at her fingertips in disbelief. Purple. It was purple. She touched the ground. Shimmering waves rose from it, the energy raw, young. Meeting something else. Something strong, but which she couldn't quite identify. Something more subtle. A huntress? She glanced quickly over her shoulder, and up overhead.

When she saw no immediate threat, she turned her omni's light on and swept the area, over debris and strange shapes in the littered edges of the alley, looking for what she dreaded. She swallowed, her throat suddenly tight. Whatever had happened here, it was unlikely both combatants had left unscathed, or maybe at all. There, a blood trail. Too dark to tell, too much dirt mixed in, but it looked dark red or purple. She followed it. The energy died out but the trail continued. She swore loudly when she recognized the edge of a green and white tunic. No, not her kid! Looking over her shoulder again, she hurried to it, reached out, and the tunic came up in her hands. It had been torn off. Thank the Goddess it wasn't … it hadn't been … but … it was ripped in two and covered with blood, _her_ blood.

Aethyta had thought that nothing could hurt her anymore. She had thought that she would never really feel anything ever again. But she'd been wrong.


	6. I Should Have

**I Should Have**

from Larissa Szporluk's _Solar Wind_

_I don't pray.  
I just walk out there  
Where it's thin  
With my bow and aim._

_But I should have yelled.  
I should have changed the world._

* * *

Aethyta stood with the torn and bloody tunic of her daughter in her hands. It was not possible. It was not possible that the kid would never get to dance at her matron initiation or decide if she wanted to take a bondmate or have kids herself. It was not possible that she wouldn't have the chance to change the world and dazzle them all. Look what she'd already done by 107; that couldn't be it! No, it was not possible that she'd never reach the age of matriarch where happy memories from a full life could blunt the edges of all the loss along the way. It was not possible. Aethyta told herself this as she searched through the debris and detritus of greed, poverty, and the Citadel's latest war, kicking scraps and cans and stones out of the way as her anger built. Why hadn't she stopped the kid when she got off the walkway, said something? Why hadn't she gone to Nezzie years ago and insisted on being part of the kid's childhood? NO! It was not possible that _her_ kid, _their_ kid, could be lying here in a dark corner like some bit of rubbish overtaken by the grudges and fears of a few sinister blue spiders. She scoured the area, and then again, turning and returning with a total lack of comprehension to the garment in her hand when she could find nothing else, nothing more.

"Lose something?"

Aethyta spun toward the sound and saw no one. Her eyes narrowed. She held up the tunic accusingly in the half-light. "If you've done this, I'll pound you into soup!"

"Strange attitude for an assassin." The voice now seemed to come from the opposite side of the alley. Aethyta turned her head, her body still. "Upset because somebody did your job for you? Beat you to the target?"

"Show yourself," Aethyta growled. "And I will show you what _beat_ means!"

"Why? I did what had to be done." The voice grew quieter. The speaker had moved away. Aethyta thought she knew where. "You have all the proof you need."

"Because, _bitch_…" Aethyta snarled, her voice deep and rough, "you've hurt my daughter." She whirled, and with a flick of her wrist lashed out, a bright cord of energy burning through the air around the building's corner, striking with the speed and force of a venomous snake. A black-clad figure slid across the garbage-strewn ground, choking, her neck caught in the cord's coils. Aethyta pounced. With her knee, she pinned the speaker's throat as the coils faded and lifted her fists, bright biotic fangs unfolding on either side of them. "I will flay you alive!"

Her captive grabbed Aethyta's wrists as she looked up into Aethyta's narrowed eyes with wide open ones. "Aethy?!" She coughed.

"Anya!?" The fangs faded as Aethyta hesitated, Liara's bloody tunic still gripped tightly in that hand. "How could you?! She saved your ass … yours and Tevos's! Nezzie_'_s your_ friend_!"

Lidanya broke Aethyta's hold with a biotic push that knocked Aethyta back. "Benezia put us in jeopardy!"

Aethyta's voice was low and tight as she got to her feet. "That's a lie."

Lidanya stood and brushed off her leathers, keeping a wary eye on Aethyta.

"That's a lie!" Aethyta snarled, raising both fists, the tunic crumpling in one of them. "You don't know her like I do!"

Lidanya faced Aethyta, her expression sad. "I knew her well enough." She sighed and shrugged. "Or I thought I did, like everyone else."

"If you believe what they say about her, you never knew her!" Aethyta lifted the tunic again, holding it out toward Lidanya accusingly. "She was _our_ kid, Anya." Her voice was very rough. "What have you done?" Tears glistened in her eyes. "I will kill you for it! She was only 107!"

"Aethy," Lidanya stepped forward, both palms lifted in front of her, her voice soft. "She still _is_ your kid."

"What?" Aethyta blinked.

"She's okay." Lidanya went and quickly wrapped an arm around Aethyta's shoulders as Aethyta swayed. "She'd seen a commando following her. We didn't know it was you." She squeezed Aethyta's shoulders. "I didn't recognize you in that getup."

"She doesn't know …" Aethyta found herself shaking.

Lidanya squeezed her shoulders again. "_I_ know, Mela."

"I thought you…" Aethyta stopped and forced herself to breathe deeply. She steadied.

"I know, but I didn't." Lidanya held her tight. "I probably couldn't. She's very strong."

"These are my mother's stupid leathers. I didn't know what else to wear." Aethyta pushed against her. "Let go."

Lidanya slowly relaxed her grip and let her arm loosen and slide off Aethyta's shoulders.

"But why were you…?" Aethyta turned toward her, brow wrinkled.

"I got called in to consult on some biotically commited murders. Bad ones." Lidanya drew in a deep breath. "She _is_ in trouble, Aethy." Lidanya walked toward where the barrel fire still burned, unattended.

"Hers?" Aethyta followed, her frown growing as Lidanya nodded. "But you didn't…?"

"Like you said, she saved my ass, and there was more to the story." Lidanya shook her head at Aethyta's inquiring glance. "I was looking for her anyway. Benezia's friends haven't forgotten her or her daughter. I was told to tell Liara that."

"By whom?" Aethyta grasped Lidanya's arm, halting her. The two were speaking quietly, in barely more than a whisper, but Aethyta watched Lidanya glance around at that question before answering.

"Mela, I can't say. I'm telling you more than I ought to as it is." The two exchanged a meaningful glance and walked over to the barrel. Lidanya scanned the area behind Aethyta, and Aethyta the area behind Lidanya. "She's a good kid though, you should be proud." Lidanya patted Aethyta on the back and resumed a more business-like tone. "I believe she'll get through this."

"What else would you expect," Aethyta brushed off Lidanya's hand, "with a mother like that?" She wiggled uncomfortably. The strap had wandered up again. She dug it out.

"One could never fault your loyalty." Lidanya did not do very well suppressing a smile. "That's supposed to go around your waist." She informed her, pointing. "That one too."

"Then fix it!" Aethyta demanded, turning her ass toward the other. "It's not like I was born wearing the damn things."

Lidanya regarded Aethyta's backside. "You'd have to take it off."

Aethyta snorted, turning back, "Like I'd give you the satisfaction." Actually, it'd serve Anya right if she mooned her.

"Stay still." Lidanya's smile grew. "That was a nice move, by the way." She mimed flicking her wrist before she moved behind Aethyta. "Where'd you learn it?" She reached for Aethyta's zipper. "One of your Eclipse friends?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." Aethyta swatted Lidanya's hand away. "You missed your chance. It can wait. Where's Liara? Take me to her."

Lidanya scanned the area and pulled Aethyta over by the wall. "We need to talk."

"You're stalling. Why?" Aethyta scowled.

"Liara's actually a lot like you." Lidanya gave Aethyta a meaningful look.

Aethyta rolled her eyes. "You mean she's stubborn." She waved a dismissive hand. "That could be from Nezzie."

"She's certainly resolute." Lidanya sighed again. "Actually, I meant loyal and devoted." Her voice dropped even lower. She shook her head. "I think Shepard's death has had a profound effect on her. They must have shown you the footage, but I'm telling you, I think it's true. I think they _must_ have bonded shortly before the _Normandy_ was attacked."

"One-hundred-and-seven, Anya," Aethyta shook her head. "She didn't know Shepard for more than a few _months_." She frowned. "Wait, you trying to say she's easy?"

"Listen, you old hypocrite!" Lidanya bit her bottom lip and hesitated. "You never met Shepard."

"What?" Aethyta laughed. "Anya, the human was barely _decades_ old."

"Yes, but there was something about her," Lidanya's expression took on a far away look, "like she had seen and done things no one else had, or could." She stared ahead unseeing. "Her lips, dark as ripe kofinos berries, had this delicious shape that made one wonder what it'd be like to suck on them. She simply _radiated_ will power and the promise of hidden delights."

Aethyta snapped in front of Lidanya's face. "Thessia to Anya, you're sounding like _you_ wanted to jump the human. I know Liara had the hots for her, and if she wanted to, I certainly hope she got to join with her, but that doesn't mean they _bonded_."

A subtle flush suffused Lidanya's cheeks. "I was just explaining why I thought maidens and not just matrons might find Shepard bondworthy, not just meldworthy." She began talking again, a little quicker this time. "Humans have such short lives, and Shepard's was shorter than most. Given the risks Shepard faced in her line of work, Liara must have deemed it worth rushing in to after Saren was defeated. Then fate intervened, and the timing couldn't have been worse."

"Anya," Aethyta's brow wrinkled. "Did you ask Liara about this?"

Lidanya frowned. "I didn't." She laid a restraining hand on Aethyta's tensing forearm. "Don't be angry with her. I'm telling you _I_ could understand, and I'm not the only matriarch who imagined doing more than merely tasting that human. She was extraordinary among her kind, and many of her gifts were the sort particularly attractive to ours. _You_ would have been all over her."

Aethyta glared at Lidanya, unamused and unappeased. "_Bonded_?!"

Lidanya returned her gaze unabashed. "I'm surprised you're not more understanding of Liara's choice. You act like you've never done an impetuous thing in your life."

"I'm a matriarch now. Plus, she's supposed to be smarter than I am! She's T'Soni." Aethyta's glare deepened to a scowl. "She _is_ going through more pain right now than she can bear, but a broken heart can be that bad. It doesn't have to be bonding or some black wind mumbo jumbo."

"She doesn't know how to handle the loss, on top of, well, you know." Lidanya swallowed. "Aethy, she loved Shepard like you loved Benezia."

Aethyta's eyes narrowed.

Lidanya's grip on Aethyta's arm tightened. "She needs you to show her how to get through this. She's not dangerous now, but she may become so. If she does anything worse... I did what I could."

"I've heard enough." Aethyta pushed Lidanya's hand off her arm. "Where is she?"

* * *

Liara stood near the main Fast Taxi terminus frozen in indecision.

_As the glare of biotics faded, Liara recognized her attacker's face. "Matriach Lidanya!" She knew her from dinner parties at her mother's house._

The human child leaned away from the docks, dragging on her hand. It didn't want her to go.

_Lidanya crossed her arms over her chest. "Why were you running?"_

She told herself, I am Dr. Liara T'Soni. I can figure this out.

_With a frown, Liara lowered her defenses. "Why did you attack me?"_

To her right were the taxis to Thessia, where nothing waited but reminders of loss.

_"You know why."_

To her left, she could catch a taxi to the Terminus systems, and the horrible and necessary task of finding her bondmate's body. She needed to beg her forgiveness, to honor her and to say goodbye.

_"I …," Liara drew in a deep breath and began again. "They tried to assault me and the child."_

In front of her, taxis departed for the Alliance docks, and Earth. She could get her things, apologize to Doctor Chakwas for running out on her.

_Lidanya's eyes widened. She took a step closer. "Child!? Liara, you're __**pregnant**__?!__**!**__" _

Liara closed her eyes and pressed the fingertips of her free hand against the lids. Her thoughts whirled. The child tugged harder on her other hand, grunting. With both of his hands, he grasped her fingers and used all his weight, straining to pull her away.

_"What!? No!" Liara backed away in alarm. "A human child those batarians kept as a slave. It was injured. I was taking it to Dr. Michel when they blocked the way, surrounded us."_

She lowered her hand and looked down at the dirty little boy. He had found her as she made her way to the docks. How he had gotten free from his minders troubled her. How could humans be so careless?

_"I saw what you did, Liara," Lidanya held out a hand. "Let me help you."_

Goddess, what if she _was_ pregnant? She hadn't meant to bond, hadn't known that she had. What if she had also, accidentally, done that as well? What if she was carrying _Shepard's baby_? Her breath hitched. It was just a chance remark, a misunderstanding. It had to be. Fear, doubt and hope suffocated her.

_"I can't come with you." Liara backed away, avoiding the wall, one hand up to keep Lidanya at bay. "There's something I have to do, for Shepard."_

Karin could check. Karin would know what to do. Would Karin know what to do? What could she do? She was too young to have a child, but to have Shepard's daughter…. The idea hadn't even occurred to her, but now that it did, her head spun. The child hung from her hand, adamant. What if it was true? What would, what should, she do? She shook her head. She wouldn't endanger Karin.

_A moment passed, the two of them regarding each other. "What you need to do is accept help." Lidanya took another step toward her. "Liara, your mother's friends have not forgotten you. She is still beloved, and so are you. Let me help. You must know you need it."_

Liara glanced down at the suit of light armor Lidanya had given her, thought of the untrackable credit chit tucked in its belt, the head start promised, the ruse planned to throw off her tracker. She considered the child. Before she left, she would make provision for him, and his little friends. She would not be careless, not anymore, not again. Guilt and grief clawed again at her throat.

_"If you want to help me, there's a commando hunting me."_

* * *

Even with the scope, Garrus wouldn't have seen her if he hadn't flipped through the thermal view on his way to the lenses for increasing the magnification. That's when he picked up movement in the alley. He watched the red indistinct figure shuffling, bending down and practically crawling back and forth. Hmmm. If that was Liara, things had gotten worse than he thought. He doubted that. Must just be a random scavenger.

Kyton had said something about an attack. He shifted a little and slowly scanned all around the figure. No other heat signatures. Wait, another figure up on that fire escape. Whoa, what a jump! The alley lit up, momentarily blinding him. Before it did, he saw some kind of bright rope. Biotics, so an asari, but not Liara. He'd never seen her do anything like that. Could Liara be the one she was attacking? He flipped through the filters on his scope, trying to get a better view. Another bright flash had him give up on the thermal view. Impatience and concern built up in him as he rapidly tried the other filters. Night vision would have the same weakness. Maybe he should just get down there, even though he had a better chance of helping from up here, with the element of surprise.

He hummed with satisfaction as an asari stepped out of the building's shadow. A commando, judging by the leathers. He swept her, looking for some identification, or mark of affiliation, and then saw it, the ripped green-and-white tunic in her hand. Blood spattered it, but he recognized it. His expression hardened as he aimed for the crevice between the asari's top purple-freckled crests. That was Liara's tunic. Seeing it, he decided it was time for a shoot first, ask questions later approach. He knew commandos could be impossible to interrogate successfully, and C-Sec had enough to do. The new trainees were idiots, anyway. He'd left them wandering around several allies away when he'd come up on the rooftops. His finger tightened on the trigger.

Wait, she was talking to someone. Maybe even Liara. It only required patience, and he would know. He eased up on the trigger. The building's corner obstructed his view. If they didn't walk this way, he'd have to move, set up again. He briefly scanned the rooftops with his scope, figuring out the next possible hide, before settling back to track the asari. If they got close enough for him to drop one of his mic dots on them, he'd hear what they were saying.

Damn, I'm good, he thought as they walked in his direction.

As the other asari came within his sights, he felt surprised and disappointed. It wasn't Liara, it was—Matriarch Lidanya?! Okay, forget the shoot first approach. Lidanya owed him. She would answer questions, and she could make the commando talk. He relaxed his grip on his sniper rifle's stock and sat up. Something cold and hard slid along the side of his head, and something heavy pressed down on his gun.

"Smart move, bird bones," chuckled the krogan battlemaster who decloaked with barely a flicker. One of his boots rested on the stock of Garrus' rifle. The side of his shotgun barrel rested against one of Garrus' mandibles.

Garrus yanked on his rifle. It crunched down into the gravelly rooftop with the increase in pressure from his captor.

"Try that again, and I'll snap it like the twig it is." The battlemaster tapped the side of Garrus' face with his shotgun. "Now get up nice and slow."

As Garrus got to his feet, he felt a biotic push knock him toward the roof door. Shepard had warned him about his habit of spectating and feeling too safe once he had taken up a position with his sniper rifle. He should have listened. The cold, hard barrel of the shotgun tapped the back of his head.

"Time to go meet my boss."

* * *

*Haunted _will (update and) continue after I finish its prequel,_ Broken. _Thank you for your interest and patience!_


End file.
